I hate those sappy animal cruelty commercials. When I see Sarah McLaughlin sitting on her couch telling me to be an “angel” for animals in need, I get a little nauseous. And every time that commercial plays, the eerie song lyrics keep running in the back of my head for hours afterwards. But I have to admit it. Those sickly puppies really do the trick.

If I am watching something funny, nothing kills the humor like a good animal cruelty commercial, and if it’s something dramatic, I always think to myself, boy, they really should have considered using a dying animal to increase the emotion.

Everybody always wants to help a domesticated animal in need. Forget victims of human trafficking or genocides, hungry dogs are what really matter. I may be overstepping my boundaries. Its not just dogs, its cats, too, especially for girls. If I had a sandbag for every time a girl cried when she sees an emaciated cat on TV, then I’d be able to save people from flash flooding for the next 100 years.

Nobody wants to watch an old grandpa suffering through a tsunami, either, how unsightly. On the contrary, people would probably be wondering if he any golden retrievers that would be hungry after he takes a turn for the worse, and if so, where they should send the money so that someone could feed them.

Now I am not saying that a commercial featuring Sarah McLaughlin singing about abandoned children wouldn’t be affective. They are cute, too. People especially love the malnourished ones. But I think her luck would run out with neglected old people.

Imagine her song playing as three elderly ladies make their way across the street with their walkers in hand. They just wouldn’t seem nearly as helpless. Think of a construction worker who has just been laid off. His eyes just wouldn’t be able to pierce your heart like those of a kitten with three legs.

I think the key to winning over donations is complete and utter helplessness. People who have never even considered donating to a charity before will take out checkbook and credit card in an effort to make sure that someone else will care for that stray dog. After all, Sarah McLaughlin tells viewers that their call says, “I’m here to help.” And who wouldn’t want to offer aid to something that feeble and lovable?

Another animal commercial that caught my eye was a Prevent Another Wolf Slaughter (PAWS for short) ad. Really? I mean, sure a wolf cub can be cute, but who in their right mind would give money to save a wolf instead of donating to a cause that actually benefits society? Then I saw the rest of the commercial and understood. The typical sad song played as two cubs shivered in the snow. Adorable. But wolves eat people. Orphans, or the homeless for that matter, typically do not.

In the end, I guess saving the strays is a good thing. If we didn’t then there would be cuddly little animals aimlessly wondering the streets, and we might accidentally run over them. That would only cause more trouble because then our roads would be cluttered with carrion, and we would have to pay higher taxes to have them scraped up. So thank you Sarah, thank you for making our world a better place.

Peter Goldschmidt is a sophomore financial consulting major. He can be reached for comment at pgoldschmi@smu.