1. If She Goes On A Reality Show And Dumps You For One Of The Other Contestants – She’s Just A Bitch

I can’t really agree with this. The “Friends” law states that two cast-members hooking up always makes for better television.

Erin: OK, see, this all depends on what reality show we are talking about here. If she is on “The Bachelor” and she starts hooking up with another contestant- well, that’s just awkward. But, if she’s on “Beauty and the Geek” – I mean, honestly, geeks are really pretty interchangeable, right? (I’m kidding, Jay! Geez-)

2. If You Send Her Flowers – She’s Just A Bitch

Erin: Wait, wait, wait. Just “if you send her flowers”? Basically, what you are saying is that pre-“you sending her flowers” she could have been a Perfect Goddess, but not anymore, buddy. Nope, now that YOU decided to send her flowers she has been demoted to Heinous Bitch. You are destroying the character of women one floral arrangement at a time!

This sort of borders on something we talked about in the original “She’s Just A Bitch.” Girls love the grand romantic gesture of a guy sending flowers to her workplace or sorority house so they can make others jealous. So, go shell out $30 on 1-800-FLOWERS and, hell, get her a singing telegram while you’re at it. All the women’s self-help books out there say girls want a guy to randomly send them flowers, provided he’s not a creepy stalker.

Erin: See, Jay, there’s your problem. You didn’t read the fine print.

Here’s the voice of reason: Don’t send a girl flowers. Don’t buy a girl presents. It’s not gonna get you that date you seek. She’s gonna send you a text message that says,”Thx 4 the flowers. Just want 2 B friends,” and you’re out $30.

3. If She Says She “Just Wants To Be Friends” – She’s Just A Bitch

It’s like a knife to the gut when we hear that phrase. I don’t even like the friends I have, so why would I want more? Here’s the thing: She doesn’t really want to be friends either. It’s a cop-out line women have used for ages. Well, I say it’s time to take them on. If a girl says she wants to be friends, you be her friend. Treat her like you would your best friend.

When you go out to eat with her – forget your wallet. Make her pay. I do it to my friends. Challenge a girl to a farting contest. That’s right, doesn’t friendship rule?

Erin: That reminds me – hey Jay, you still owe me that $20 from when I beat your ass in arm wrestling.

4. Of Course He’s A Bastard – You Like Him

This section is aimed more at girls. Classic J. Geils story: Boy likes girl, girl likes bastard. That’s right, no matter what, the bastard always gets preference over the nice guy.

It’s a classic case of Raphael Syndrome (named after Raphael, the Ninja Turtle, because of all the Ninja Turtles April coulda had a crush on, she didn’t choose the smart one, the one in power or the funny one – she chose the mean one).

Erin: Huh. I never thought about that. Weird- cause Raphael was always my favorite, too.

I’m sorry, are you honestly relating dating to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? You may have a more serious condition than I thought- I definitely have my work cut out for me.

Why do girls do this? I have two theories.

Theory #1: Girls want a guy to treat them like crap. They’re masochists.

Now, all the girls are thinking: Why would we actually go and seek out a man who treats us like crap? Now, I’m no expert here, but it appears that girls like to have this elusive thing called “attention,” so dating a bastard who pretends to be a nice guy gives them something to complain about, thus associating drama with them, which creates – attention.

Erin: I would seriously love to argue with this – but I have noticed this as well. Girls – WAKE UP! Your friends don’t care anymore after the 100th time they hear, “He was such a jerk last night! He was talking to some tramp/didn’t call me back/ignored me/didn’t tell me I looked beautiful every 37 seconds.”

Theory #2: Girls Love a Project

I’ve noticed girls watch a lot of those fixer-upper shows. You know, restoring an antique cabinet, turning a tire into a flower pot, etc. Maybe girls like a project. They wanna take a bastard and make him their project. They’ll try to mold him and fit him into that nice guy image. Go ahead, call up Martha Stewart and show her your fixer-upper. I’m pretty sure changing a guy is a task even almighty Martha hasn’t accomplished yet. (Props to her ex-husband, though, she had to pay him alimony).

Erin: Again, I’m going to have to agree. Girls would love to think they have enough influence over a guy to turn him from his bad boy ways and make him into a loving, supportive, adoring boyfriend. Sounds like the perfect plan, right? I mean, you are beautiful, captivating – Wonder Woman quivers in your presence. But, as amazing as I am sure you are, you have got to give it up. HE IS NOT CHANGING. Sorry, honey, you are going to need to gather your self-esteem from somewhere else. It ain’t happening.

Nice guys, what’s the solution?: Pretend to be an bastard who pretends to be a nice guy.

Erin: For real, guys. What you need to do is pretend to be a hard-ass but give tiny glimpses of your nice-guy reality- I am not even kidding. Girls love to think they see something in you that no one else sees. As in, “Oh my god! He just pretends to be a bastard because he wants to put on a front for everyone so they think he is strong! But, I alone, the unbelievably perceptive woman, can see through all that to his very SOUL.”

I’m telling you, my 25-year-old brother has done this for as long as I can remember – and not until I realized this strange truth about women did I finally figure out why so many girls were infatuated with him. I’m telling you, it’s sick, but it works.

5. The End?

“Why are they attacking that poor guy who wrote “He’s Just Not That Into You” with such bitterness and hatred?”

Greg Behrendt, the author of “He’s Just Not That Into You,” thinks this is a great idea. He even told me he would love to write a book for guys, because he’s been in the same situations we’ve discussed in this edition and the last. Unfortunately, guys will never buy self-help books. But, they don’t mind reading it for free in a newspaper! To all the fellas out there who have been played and just want a place to vent, please e-mail us your stories. We’ll respond to them personally and/or exploit you and use your stories in our articles. No names, scout’s honor. We’ve been there, we know – she’s just a bitch!