The modern sports announcer ought to become a thing of the past. I base this on a football game three years ago in which the kick return warped into a touchdown and I heard the epic, carefully timed mantra, “He could go all the way.” The pauses were short and stilted to compensate for the professional announcer, who did not feel safe calling it until the 20-yard line. That’s not an announcement; that’s autism.
Super Bowl 42 foreshadows our upcoming presidential election. America will sit back and watch as those chosen, not as “the best” as much as just “least likely to screw up,” butt heads for a big metal cup and some shiny trinkets .
Modern NFL announcing has transformed the audio of our games from emotion and enthusiasm into statistical erotica. That Eli Manning hasn’t thrown a single interception all game is one thing, but did you know East Iowa tight end Hurmis Broderstock has already this season traveled two percent more yards per carry than Adelaide Frumpington of the Peoria Mackerels?
That doesn’t matter to a lot of people. However, if I were to tell you that Adelaide Frumpington was the brother of Bethesda Frumpington, who in her freshman year as Powderpuff QB for the SMU Tri Delt Pink Panthers threw zero interceptions, the same number as Eli Manning in a single game, which indicates Maurice Jones-Drew has a two percent chance to outstep Tom Brady in their hit new show, “Celebrity Dance-off: Argentine Tango Edition.”
Through hard word and Vedic chanting, a close friend and I have decided to start backing astrology with facts to analyze and predict world events.
What you now hold in your hot little hands is our preliminary analysis of the Super Bowl. Our impartiality is verified only by the fact that both of us are rabid Cowboys fans. Luckily, any real knowledge of the players would only skew the data. We are more scientists than fans.
Bill Belichick is the head coach of the Patriots, born on April 16.
As an Aries, Bill will naturally drive forward with new strategies to victory. The regular season means nothing; it is in the past. Belichick’s coaching position fits well with the Third Decan, that of the Pioneer; it is the Sagittarius of Aries.
Expect no major change in his strategies; it works and he’ll keep it until they stop going to the bowl. Do not factor any previous encounters with the Giants into this, Bill Belichick will not waste clock time, and he won’t listen to anyone but himself.
Now for the Offensive Lines:
Billy Yates: guard, Aries. This guy rules.
Ryan O’Callahan-O-Tackle, Cancer: Expect some holding calls on this guy. A waning moon spells mega trouble here.
Stephen Neal: Libra. Libras love balance and hate violence. This guy will not have any fouls.
Logan Mankins: guard, Pisces. Pisces males tend to overcompensate a lot, hence a massive Napolean complex. The feminine Mankin must be a huge sissy and I wouldn’t put it past him to play dirty and foul intentionally.
Matt Light: Cancer – Week of the Empath: If he can get emotional, nothing can stop him. Otherwise he’s just a fat ass. He is only big to draw humor from the name “Light.”
Dan Koppen: center, Virgo – Week of the Literalist. He didn’t choose to be the best, but since he’s at the center of attention “by pure coincidence,” he might as well make it work.
Nick Kaczur: Leo – Week of the Authority. This guy is here for staying power. He is a consistent performer.
Russ Hochstein: Libra – Week of Society. Russ shares his sign with Hercules. He has impeccable form.
Wesley Britt: Scorpio, Saggistarius cusp. This man is determined to see things through to the end.
Chief quarterback Tom Brady: Aug. 3, second Decan Leo – Week of Balanced Strength, the influence of Jupiter.
The Patriots are from Massachusettes, founded on Feb. 6, which makes the team an Aquarius. Boston, however, is a Virgo.
Giants head coach Tom Coughlin
Virgos are known for anal retentiveness. They focus on the details and order their troops harshly. Tom Coughlin has carefully prepared the New York Giants for every opponent, customizing his gameplan based on his opponents, but always adhering strictly to the Virgin’s Secret Truth: purity. He is also probably overcompensating for the fact that his astrological sign is a virgin.
Male Virgos are all a little put off by their true virginal self, so they often coat their meek, pure essence with the facade of a strict general. Coughlin is this way, but he realized that he needed to learn the art of war if he wanted to successfully utilize the Truth of Virgo while defeating its weakness. Coughlin is a red-faced white guy who looks like a jackass, but he’s part of an organization that is based in New York, a city that is ruled largely by the Sun and Saturn.
Now for the Giants’ offensive line:
Kevin Boothe -G- Cancer II. Boothe will start to cry like a girl if this game gets close. In order to preserve both his and the Giants’ dignity, Boothe will step up to the plate in a big way when it goes down to the wire.
David Diehl: Virgo. Diehl should remain calm during this media circus, but he will slowly get outclassed by the more fiery Pats’ defensive line in the second half. He won’t commit any penalties, and will lift up his teammates when they mess up. However, he’s going to get burned by the intense fire signs in the Pats’ defense.
Adam Koets: Capricorn. Koets is in over his head in this one. A youngster Capricorn, he’s too proud of himself and his new NFL status to really prove anything big in this game. When he matures, he’ll be one of the best.
Kareen McKenzie: Taurus on Cancer cusp: McKenzie will be the emotional leader of this pack during the game. If he shows weakness, the offensive line will crumble. We will find out if he is truly a man during this Super Bowl.
Shaun O’Hara: Gemini on Leo cusp: This is a dirty player, and he will commit flagrant facemasks and be vicious. He may goof up constantly, but he will also intimidate the Pats.
Grey Ruegamer: Gemini. Ruegamer will be totally destroyed in this game. His logic will go out the window and he’ll get scared like a little baby.
Rich Seubert: Aries. Seubert has an unmatched will to win, but he’s one of the few fire signs in this offensive line. His teammates won’t absorb his authority, and he’ll become a mercenary. They will have to rely on guys like McKenzie and Snee to form the corps of leadership.
Chris Snee: Capricorn. This seasoned vet will completely dominate in this game and is the Giants’ best shot at providing pass protection for Manning.
Guy Whimper: Taurus. The guy’s name is Whimper and he’s a Taurus. Do not joke. Expect him to come in in the second half and provide the impetus for a Super Bowl victory.
The Sun is in Aquarius, making Brady highly flexible. Mercury is in Aquarius, so it’s a cosmic home game for Virgo Coughlin. Venus is in Capricorn, which allows Capricorns to connect with others. Then again, Venus loved Mars for the ravenous lovemaking he gave to her.
Mars is in Gemini, making the blood star innovative at the cost of brute strength.
Jupiter is in Capricorn. Manning, Snee and Koets have glory flowing into them from the stars.
Therefore, astrological data clearly shows that the Giants will win the Super Bowl, unless Mars makes passionate love to Venus in the form of Rashad More sacking Manning repeatedly.
Happy Birthday.
