I hate Seattle. Seattle may be the worst town on the planet. Worse than Houston.

There is nothing in Seattle worth visiting. I have two friends from Washington, but even if I went to see them I’d ask to meet them in Oregon or something instead of having to go to that wretched city.

This past weekend, I got to visit Seattle. I went to a certain theater, whose name I will not mention, but whose internship I was applying for. I didn’t get it.

Now hold on. You’re probably thinking, “Hey, he hates Seattle because of that theater company that rejected him!”

That’s partly true, but it’s not the full story.

It rains all the time in Seattle. Why would I want to be somewhere that has a constant rainstorm?

Sunshine may be one of the greatest things on the planet. Why does Seattle lack this? Sunshine helps things grow.

Yes, rain is nice and also helps things grow, but unless you’re living in an everlasting scene from “The Notebook,” it doesn’t count for anything.

There’s also grunge music. If you read my articles, you know that I’ve mentioned a little band called Nirvana a few times. I love Nirvana. They were lightyears ahead of their time.

Let me just say this about grunge music. Flannel shirts: They don’t work.

I’m not the most fashion-heavy person on campus. Most of my days are spent wearing jeans and one of my many animal T-shirts. I do, however, know that flannel shirts look awful and should only be worn if you are in the cast of “Home Improvement.”

The first word that comes to mind when I think of Seattle is “nerdy.” Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, was born up there. And who better to be considered the King of Nerds than Mr. Bill Gates himself? This guy invented technology.

I, for one, use a Mac computer and therefore do not gain anything from Mr. Gates.

Actually, the only reason I hate Seattle is because I once got in a fender-bender and the guy was a jerk, and he was from Seattle. This was in 10th grade.

To this day, I hate Seattle and vow every morning to figure out how to get Congress to vote Seattle out of the country.

I’m sorry for ranting.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].