Well, ladies, Halloween is almost here. And we all know what that means.

Scandalous costumes for days. Literally, girls will be wearing risque costumes several days in a row this weekend.

I’ve observed this strange phenomenon for years, and I still don’t get it. Girls who usually flinch at the sight of compression shorts go out wearing green bikinis on Halloween and claim to be dressed up as Frankenstein.

If you’re comfortable bearing it all on a chilly fall day, then by all means dress up as Miley Cyrus at…well, you know the outfit. I’m not here to judge your costume choices. Like Cady Heron so insightfully pointed out, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

But if you’re anything like me and just can’t bring yourself to ditch all sense of modesty for the sake of a meaningless holiday, I am full of costume solutions.

My first answer for every problem in life: SpongeBob SquarePants. Nothing says “conservative” like a giant cardboard box. Skin is covered, curves are covered and mobility is impaired so that dancing is all but impossible. Paint the box, grab a net, find a hipster friend to borrow glasses from, and you’re ready to party. Feel free to quote SpongeBob all night, for crowd-pleasing purposes.

Sweet Brown would also be a hit at any gathering of college-aged humans. An orange bandana and a tie-dyed top is all you need for this budget-friendly ensemble. Time has shown that saying, “ain’t nobody got time for that” never gets old, so stay in character. Someone offers you a drink? Ain’t nobody got time for that. You get invited to a haunted house? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Free iPad for the best costume of the night? Actually, consider making time for that. Staying in character isn’t that crucial.

For final touches, don’t forget to go barefoot and carry a cold pop at all times.

For those of you who enjoy making political statements, defying gender norms and being that awful person who sparks debates at a party, I have just the costume.

Wear a fancy suit, a flawlessly gelled wig and carry a copy of “Green Eggs and Ham.” Scoff with judgment every time people ask who you’re supposed to be, because if they don’t see a stunning portrayal of Ted Cruz they must be uneducated imbeciles.

Whatever costume you decide, revealing or not, all I ask is that it not be boring. The world has seen enough cats and bunnies for the rest of time. Be safe. Have fun. Don’t freeze to death.

Thrall is a junior majoring in journalism and film.