Why do I write? I don’t know. I really don’t.

Part of me thinks that there is this great romantic quality to it, but we all write. It’s not a standout thing. It’s not the 1400s, where only a handful of people in the village could write; it’s 2009 and the majority of this country can read and write, some even better than my terrible opinion columns that you encounter every Thursday.

I admit, my articles are not among the best articles ever written. Most of the time, my columns are coherent, but other times, not so much (see “A date at the drive-in”).

I’d like to think that people read my articles. Usually when I’m in Umph on Thursdays, people will glance over my article, mumbling things like, “Where’d they get this guy?”

They got this guy from Meadows. I am an actor with no intention of being in a line of work that even remotely touches journalism. I have nothing against journalism; it’s just not something I’d want to do.

So then why am I employed at The Daily Campus? Because I love comedy. I’d even like to think I’m a funny guy. I make people smile on bad days, I ease awkward conversations with a joke, and I make parties better; it’s a scientific fact.

I can’t spell to save my life and the whole idea of grammar never seemed to be something that applied to me. I mean, I’ve got a word processing program to do that for me, so why would I need to learn it?

Most people hate my writing; I understand that. Everyone is entitled to an opinion (even me) and we live in a country where you can express those opinions openly.

I started writing columns because I was going through a phase of playwriting and was stuck in writer’s block. I thought that maybe, if I was forced to write a short little funny opinion every week, it would keep me on my toes and maybe even unblock my mind so that I could continue writing the play.

Well it worked; I wrote a funny story and some people e-mailed me claiming they enjoyed it and looked forward to my columns. So I kept writing every week about the smallest problems in my life and finding ways to make them humorous.

I don’t like writing articles that get people in the streets with their pitchforks; that kind of literature never appealed to me. I doubt that I would be any help in colonial times because when new anti-England propaganda came out, I’d probably skip it. Then I wouldn’t be fueled to fight King George III and my family would banish me to the country. That’s probably what would happen if I lived in the 1700s.

I think that I write because I don’t know what else to do. I’m an actor all day long and when I get home, I have so many stories and jokes that I just write them down to get everything on paper.

But my dreams of being the next J.D. Salinger have passed. I no longer care if I write the next “Common Sense” or “Of Mice and Men.” It doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t want my grandchildren to know me as a college opinion columnist in Dallas, Texas. I want my grandchildren to know me as a great leader appointed to the Supreme Court who got a movie deal out of it.

I’m a lousy writer and you, the dedicated readers of the SMU Daily Campus, deserve better. And I don’t say that to heap ashes on my head; I say it because it’s the truth. My boss Nathaniel French receives my articles every week and has to somehow find a way to put them on paper; it’s an extremely difficult job and now I’m going to relieve him of those duties. The Daily Campus wants this paper to be in the elite tier of college newspapers, and I can only think that I am dragging them down in the mud.

But this isn’t a pity article; it’s liberation! You don’t have to read my stupid columns every week. Now a spot has opened for you (that’s right, you! Right there, with the grilled cheese sandwich) to write your own article. Let the Mustangs of SMU know what you think. It beats the trash I’m putting in here.

So, goodbye my readers. And remember me. Viva la resistance!

John Paul Green is a sophomore theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].