I was drinking my morning OJ last week as CNN played on the television in the background. As my mind drifted into early daydream land, a commercial came on. Like many meaningless attempts to grab my attention with ex-football players swan diving into pools full of dirt bikes or tiny geckos pulling cell phones and wallets out of nowhere, I took no notice of it and casually continued sipping on my drink.

That is, until the unthinkable happened. A word so harsh and discordant came out of the television’s speakers that my heart skipped a beat, and I struggled to retain the orange juice in my mouth.

The word “good’er” had just entered my ears.

“I must have misheard,” I told myself.

Surely a large, respectable brand of laundry detergent would not hire an advertising firm that would intentionally use incorrect grammar as the catchphrase of its product.

I quickly turned to the almighty Google to confirm to myself I was dreaming and my eardrum had simply failed to process ‘greater’ and instead came up with ‘good’er.’

After navigating to http://ilovegain.com, my heart had officially sunk. Right in the middle of the page, a huge logo appeared with the title, “The Good’er Morning Project.”

Now, you might be thinking this is an overreaction. Ninety percent of me would agree that this is just Procter and Gamble’s quick grab for attention to bolster what could be declining sales of its laundry detergent arm of the super-conglomerate.

But the remaining 10 percent of me is fueled by my mother and her plethora of knowledge from having a master’s in education and teaching language arts for 35 years. Her years of constant chiding on the subject of correct grammar cannot allow me to accept this intentional use of the hideous word.

There are certain subtleties to any human language that distinguish us as intelligent beings. I find that following rules, no matter how small, archaic or senseless they are to some, defines what language is.

I am sure you were appalled by the headline of this piece, and so was I when typing it out. But I decided to use incorrect grammar because I assume my audience knows the rules of the English language.

Nationally televised ads cater to a much larger audience: all of America. A small child that has not gone through proper grammar training yet might see or have already seen this Gain advertisement. He or she does not know that the advertising agency is intentionally using incorrect grammar for dramatic effect. He or she might then absorb this hideous word into daily usage, where it can easily disseminate into the minds of hundreds of young, budding minds.

The United Nations ranks the United States as No. 21 out of all countries in terms of literacy rates, hardly a position a superpower should be resolved to. Though the answer to climbing up this list and providing 100 percent literacy might not be boycotting Gain detergent, I think the little things, like always using 100 percent correct grammar at all times, in all mediums, is a good stepping stone toward 100 percent literacy in our country.

Michael Danser is a senior electrical engineering and physics major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].