There’s a problem facing our world today. A problem so huge and mighty that only our nation’s government can tackle it. I’m talking of course about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

OK, it’s not that big of a problem, but it’s still a major thing to worry about.

“Why?” you ask.

Let’s break down the name Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Teenage: They’re capable of doing anything because we all know how teenagers can be.

Mutant: They touched some kind of an ooze and now are a hazard to themselves and everyone around them.

Ninja: You’ll never see (or hear) them coming, and they’ll come up behind you and pop you on the head with a ninja weapon.

Turtles: Well…I’m still working on turtles.

Everyone remembers these cartoon characters. But some may recall the live-action creepy films. If you need a refresher, go to Google and type in live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

These poor kids’ lives were ruined when some stupid rat decided to pour toxic stuff on them. Prom, homecoming, falling in love: all gone because of a stupid science experiment.

So this rat then took them to the sewer and trained them to be ninjas and take on evil characters such as Shredder, who resembled Lord Zed from “Power Rangers.”

My question is: Where was the government to step in and say, “Hey, someone needs to be held accountable for this rat’s actions?” You don’t get to just walk away from ruining four teenagers’ lives. This rat needed to learn the definition of the word “accountability.” Maybe he needed an accountability partner, someone to say, “Hey, man. Let’s step back and think about what we did here” whenever he messed up.

Then this rat had the audacity to name the turtles Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo, all after famous painters and sculptors. What happened to normal names, like Bob, or Jim, or John Paul Green?

A turtle’s freedom is something that should not be taken lightly. I had a turtle when I was younger that I found on the side of the road on the way to my grandmother’s house. After keeping it in a box with lettuce and other stuff to eat, I decided to release my turtle into the wild to let him have a better life. You see what I did there? I let him go. But no, this rat, this monster, kept them in the sewer.

Now I’m sure the general consensus is that the rat did not hold them there; they could have left whenever they wanted. However, they were now half-human and half-turtle and would not have been accepted by society. Look at Jeff Goldblum; no one wants him.

My point is that four lives were ruined by toxic waste and we should protect the environment.

John Paul Green is a sophomore theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].