Guy Talk

I would like to start today with an apology. It seems that forthe last few weeks my e-mail address at the end of this column hasbeen printed incorrectly. For all of the fellow Bellaverians (loyalreaders), I’m truly sorry for the confusion. Consider theword “peninsula.” If a couple letters were left out ofthat word, it wouldn’t really have the same meaning. I havenoticed the same problem in my e-mail address. Today at the bottomof the column there will be the correct information.

I have been worried about the lack of communication between thereaders and myself for the last few weeks. So, discovering themishap has been extremely reassuring. Kind of like when you wake upwith a sticky, clumpy, white substance in your ear and then yourealize it was cheesecake from the night before and you canrelax.

Now let’s start talking.

It has been brought to my attention over the past few weeks thatthere might be a little competition between “Guy Talk”and the daily police reports to bring the laughs to the studentbody. To Officer Norris and his band of cohorts I say,”Let’s tango.”

Welcome to this addition of the “Guy Reports.”

All the action, all the stupid blunders, and I won’t writeyou a parking ticket when things are said and done. In staying withthe style of the, “I Smell Bacon Reports” I won’tuse any names, just real life events. I repeat, these are all reallife situations that occurred in my daily life.

Jan. 13

7 p.m. – Near the computer desk in the family room

A female student is frustrated with her inability to closepop-up ads on the computer that don’t contain X’s inthe corner. A male student instructs her to shut the screens byclosing the windows. The female becomes stressed and argues,”What computer are you talking about, there are no windows inthe family room.” The male was checked into Baker MemorialHospital after almost laughing in her face to death. The malestudent’s health is pending.

Jan. 18

10 p.m. – In the hallway

A female student walks down the hallway wearing a newfashionable poncho, resembling a Clint Eastwood western style rug.As she fishes for compliments, a male student acknowledges that RayCharles and Stevie Wonder would love the look. The perplexed femalequickly responds, “Why do those guys both like wearingponchos?” The female was quickly stripped of the new look,and it was returned below the fireplace where it came from. Thiscase will never truly be closed.

Jan. 21

2:45 a.m. – Just outside the kitchen

A fire alarm sounded shortly after a male and female studentattempted to make omelets after a long night of sipping on choicebeverages. Seven egg shells were disposed of in the sink, howeverthe paper plate which caught on fire was simply left on the stoveto burn. Both students will be charged with playing with fire andhave also been asked not to run with suckers in their mouths. Casein closed until the next “Dollar Draft Night.”

Jan. 25

11 p.m. – At the poker table in the living room

A male student playing a friendly poker game of Texas Hold‘Em vigorously slams down a pocket nine and 10 and proclaimshis two pair a brilliant winning hand. Another male student isquick to point out that anyone who has played any card game otherthan Go Fish would realize two pair will never beat his straight.Beating is illegal, but the male was simply charged with playingpoker like a girl. Only in Texas and Delaware can such a harshpenalty be enforced. Case closed.

Jan. 26

2 a.m. – on the big leather couch

A male student playing a college basketball video game for sevenhours openly states he does not understand why anybody would nametheir son Fidel. The male was under the impression that SMUbasketball player Eric “The Dictator” Castro wasactually named Fidel. The male was not intoxicated and is thereforesimply charged with being a moron. Case closed.

Jan. 27

12:30 a.m. – In a bedroom at the house

A large scream was reported at the end of the hall. A femalestudent was found hiding under her covers talking on her cellphone. She claimed a lizard had been running in and out of herbathroom. She described the lizard as, “A snake with noarms.” The female’s case has been reviewed and she isbeing asked to re-take fourth grade biology. Case is wide open.

Jan. 28

11 p.m. – In a bedroom at the house

A female reported a power failure coming from her bedroom. Thefirst roommate on the scene picked up the cord for the clock radioand plugged it back into the wall socket it had fallen out of. Thepower was magically restored. Case closed.

Bring it Coppers. You guys get thousands of crazy students tofill your page with quality laughs every week. All I have are a fewroommates that temporarily lose a sense of purpose and thought.From my home to yours, may the laughs keep right on coming. Untilnext time, this was the “Guy Reports.”

For questions, comments or concerns please e-mail Guy [email protected].