Thanksgiving is a time to gather around in terrible holiday sweaters with people that you may or may not want to see and eat more food in one sitting than children in third-world countries get to all year. I love Thanksgiving!

Many of you will be going home for the holiday, while others will be meeting friends’ families for the first time. Either way, here are a few tips to make this a Thanksgiving you won’t regret, because almost everyone can name that year when a dirty little secret was exposed to people who would otherwise be oblivious to a situation.

Tip number one, wear something cute yet conservative, somewhere between slut-o-licious whore and “did you find that in grandma’s closet?” My suggestion is wear a cute DVF wrap dress (or an outfit equally as cute) with a pair of sweet little flats to meet friends’ parents, that way when you meet them you can look chic, but not too ostentatious. The great thing about a wrap dress is you can throw on a pair of strappy heels for a fantastic night look.

The main thing to consider is, when at home or in the home of others it is not necessarily appropriate to wear what you do on campus (especially for those of you that wear tights as a stand-alone bottom). Also, unless you are going hunting for sea-lions in Alaska, the Eskimo look is a very poor choice.

Finally, the most cliché of all “holiday” attire is the chunky knit sweater with some sort of “festive” graphic knit in or sewn on. Every time I see a sweater with a big felt turkey, a Santa Clause’s face, or pumpkin embroidery, I want to vomit. The trendy alternative is a natural tone, or bright red, chunky cable-knit cashmere without any pictures or words.

Tip number two, don’t eat until you can’t stuff more into that bottomless abyss. There is no lack of food in America. We do not need to be eating all we can at every opportunity we can. It is because of huge feasts and all-you-can-eat restaurants that we are the fattest nation on the face of the planet.

Thanksgiving leftovers are some of the best of the year, but if you must gorge yourself at the first sight of turkey and stuffing, then there will not be any leftovers. There is a reason why people’s New Year’s resolutions is to lose a few pounds; it’s called Thanksgiving.

The worst thing you can do after eating a large meal is to take a nap. It makes your body want to store everything you just ate as fat, which would explain the little extra around your stomach, butt, thighs that you will get before coming back to class.

I’m not saying don’t eat a healthy portion, but to stuff yourself like a Thanksgiving turkey only makes you look like a disgusting pig in front of your family, or worse – someone else’s family. Just consider one thing before you chow down on those candied yams:

“To burn off a 3,000 calorie Thanksgiving Day meal, a 160 lb. person would have to run at a moderate pace for four hours, swim for five hours or walk for 30 miles. Many people don’t just stop at the meal. Snacking throughout the day can lead up to a total caloric intake of 4,500” says Dr .Cedric Bryant, ACE chief exercise physiologist.

Tip number three, don’t view Thanksgiving as a time that is ideal for telling your whole family a hidden secret about yourself. If you are gay, wait until you can tell each family member privately. If you’re going to propose to your girlfriend, don’t make it on a day that revolves around turkey and football. If you are a drug addict, let them check you into rehab the day after Thanksgiving. The only things you will achieve by making a big announcement are, you’ll make everyone uncomfortable, you will draw attention away from an already attention-deprived sibling, or you will regret spilling the secret later. After all, who is in the right mind to give or receive big news with a mouth full of cranberry sauce?

As with all my advice, you can elect to follow one, all, or none of my tips. If you do chose to listen to me, that will be three less ways to embarrass yourself in front your closest family or people you know nothing about.

Earlier this week I divulged my idea for a Thanksgiving tips column to a close friend. While I was bouncing ideas off of her, the subject of grandma sweaters came up, and I told her how heinous I thought they were. Her response, “I know, right?”

It’s definitely becoming something of a phenomenon.