Ask Nell
What happens when Guy Talk gets mixed up with Ask Nell andhalf a bottle of Viagra (I thought they were blueSkittles)?
As a sex columnist, I’ve tried to give a pretty broadrange of advice to my fellow Mustangs. As hard as I can try andthink like a guy, I am not a guy and can’t always figure outwhat the hell is going on in their minds (and boxers). So, for thisweek, I’m bringing you advice from a guy as well as myself togive you the best possible advice out there (okay, maybethat’s an over-statement). Enjoy.
Q: Dear Nell,
I took this girl out on a date last weekend. She seemedcool, but the date turned into a living hell by 10 p.m. Itook her home expecting to never hear from her again, but now shecalls me all the time, wondering what happened! How do I tellher I’m not interested, and how can I make my opinion clear beforethe date ends next time?
-In Dating Hell
A: Dear Dating Hell,
Guy: Sometimes clear means blunt —tell her you wouldrather super glue your eyes open and watch “FullHouse” re-runs while sitting in a bath-tub full of cow dung,before you would want to go out with her again. Then if she iscute, give her my e-mail address and tell her I said, “How yadoin.” Next time you see your date start to go rankfaster than a banana under a heat lamp, think fast. Stop the carand say, “Hey is my back tire low?” Then when she gets out tocheck, take off. Make sure once you get home you changeyour home phone and leave your cell phone on all night to killthe battery.
Nell: After a first date, both parties are trying to read eachother. Was the dinner OK? Did I come on too strong? Can he tell Ihave breast implants? Of course you don’t want to hurtanybody’s feelings by telling them you don’t want tosee them again. Here are the best three blow off’s I’veheard. Use them at your own discretion.
• If you are un-interested, act like it. Play with yourfood, order a pitcher of margaritas (for yourself), take a coupleof shots and say you need to hurry up and go so you can meet upwith some friends. Keep asking what time it is and respond to everyquestion with “I don’t know” or”whatever.” No one likes a boring date and unlessyou’re Paul Walker or Jaime Pressley, your date won’twant to waste their time again with you. Bastardly, but simple andeffective.
• If you are a drama king/queen type, stand up and scream”[Screw] you, [screw] you, [screw] you, you’re cool,[screw] you, I’m OUT!” Hey, Half Baked is aneducational movie and the expression on your date’s face willbe priceless.
• If all else fails, use brutal honesty. Trick is, waituntil the end of the date. If you pull a move too fast, you mightscare your date and ruin any chances of hitting on her friends inthe future. A simple, “You seem like a cool person, butreally don’t want to get involved in any kind of relationshipright now” will do.
Q: Dear Nell,
I know guys and girls are really different about all of this sexstuff. When is it too early to sleep with someone (and beeasy) or too late (a tease). I tried to take things slow withthe last guy I dated and he said he was “sick ofwaiting.” What gives?
-Easy or Tease
A: Dear Teasy,
Guy: I would say seven minutes is too fast, anything after thatis just plain efficient. There is no such thing as too late when itcomes to the horizontal limbo. If a guy doesn’t want to waitaround for that special opportunity that comes with establishingrespect and credibility in a relationship, then the guy isn’tworth… Who am I kidding? This is college — a month can makeyou old news, hey I just speak the truth.
Nell: I met a 45 year old woman not too long ago who told me shealways waits seven dates before hopping in the sack. I thought itwas a pretty noble idea, but she told me that some guys will doanything. One guy took her out to breakfast, lunch, and dinner for2.5 days, then winked at her and said, “Your place, ormine?” To be honest, awkward sex is worse than no sex at all.If either party is feeling the slightest bit of hesitation, hittingthe sheets may not only ruin a couple’s sex life, but makethem feel weird about each other. There’s no too early or toolate, but as Grace (of “Will & Grace”) saidyesterday at 5:30 p.m., “Sex changes everything,” Keepthat in mind when your hormones are on fire.
