The most politically correct column
Ah, freshman year! I’m sorry. Let me be completely P.C.and say first-year. It’s hard trying to be P.C. these days,because no matter how hard we try to change the convention, aresidence hall will always be a dorm, and a first-year will alwaysbe an easy target…I mean, a freshman.
As a Corral leader every year, I have to encourage first-yearsto use certain terms that have been carefully formatted to be P.C.,but I find myself neglecting to use those terms myself. As hard asit is to let go of some old habits, I’ve tried my best to beP.C. about a few terms that I use. In fact, I’ve started withthis column.
These days, it seems that my stamina for attending socialgatherings (partying til the early morn) has declined. I supposenow that I am a third-year (a junior), reality has set in. I can nolonger be involuntarily leisured (unemployed) as I have been. Feces(Crap), that means I have to commit myself to life-long servitude(get a job) pretty soon. I have to pay back all of myinterest-bearing student loans (outstanding debt) that paid for aworkout facility I will never see. I have to get marriedeventually. It would be nice, first of all, to find a guy who isnot monogamously challenged or relationship impaired (afraid ofcommitment).
That first year is an absolute blast, isn’t it? Sexuallyfocused (typical) guys are on the quest (prowl) for repeatedlyaccessible (easy) girls. Upperclassmen who prefer generationallydifferential relationships (cradle robbers) are also on the quest(prowl). Guys spend the entire first semester getting chemicallyinconvenienced (drunk), while girls spend countless hours in frontof the mirror, looking their best for class so as to impress allthe greek women (SMU sorority chicks) before formal recruitment(rush).
Is it just me or were you completely blown away by the number ofterminally attractive (drop-dead gorgeous) people there were whenyou got to college? There isn’t a single cosmeticallydifferent (ugly) person here. I thoroughly enjoyed going to the gymand being witness to many well-rounded males (guys with nicebutts). For the first week, I couldn’t help but have repeatedintrospective pornographic moments (undress guys with my eyes).C’mon, don’t say you haven’t done the same with(insert appropriate sex here) .
For those of you who aren’t from around these parts, I betyou were expecting Texas to be full of genetically relatedAmericans (rednecks). If you go far out enough into the sticks,you’ll find them, but what you find here are financiallyadvantaged (wealthy), knowledge-based non-possessors (ignorantfolk).
I bet you also expected football to be superior here in Texas.Well, with ESPN’s least best (worst) team, I have the feelingyou didn’t decide on SMU based on the football team’srecord. Nonetheless, I support my Ponies, and you’d better,too. (I had to say it; otherwise, Guy will retaliate in hiscolumn).
I recall the thing to do your first year was get dressed up fortheme parties. It’s an excuse for girls to look physicallyprovocative (trashy). When else will you get the chance to do that?Every year, nurses are naughtier and doctors dirtier. The skirtsget shorter, the necklines get lower, and the guys are happier.
As the climate begins to cool, you come upon a dilemma: lookcute in your homemade apparel (cheap costume) but freeze while youwait an hour in line for the anti-DUI transporter (bus), or dressappropriately for the wait but sweat bullets once you get insidethe fire code- violated premise (crowded party)?
Once the outfits are put together, the hair and makeup are done,the pre-party alcohol has been consumed (underage drinking hastaken place), the masses of girls are off to the party. Why is itthat girls do everything in groups? We go to parties in groups. Wego to the bathroom in groups. We even dance in groups. Well, thelatter is due to one very simple fact- many guys are overlyCaucasian (bad dancers). Guys- you’ve got two options: have acouple of drinks and suffer from a case of rectal-cranial inversion(make a complete ass of yourself), or spend a day watching MissyElliot videos and actually learn to dance. Breasted Americans(Chicks) really dig a guy who can execute a motion(bust-a-move).
As first-years go home for Thanksgiving after being away, theymust face the cold reality that is not Highland Park (the rest ofthe world). Guys go home with a well-developed liquid grain storagefacility (a beer gut), while girls go home with two more Prada bagsand even more reality impaired (clueless).
Oh, the joy of coming home after being free of parentalsupervision! You’re in high school all over again! And onceagain, you must face a verbally repetitive (nagging) mother, whoactually thinks she can still enforce a curfew. Don’t arguewith her or you will no longer be a recipient of parental assetinfusion (a trust-fund baby). Oh, horrors! In that case, you hadbetter not tell your parents that you’re achieving adeficiency (failing) in Wellness due to your un-attendance(skipping).
To all my fellow upperclassmen: I hope you had a blast yourfirst-year. To all of the current first-years: enjoy this year,because after that, it’s the beginning of the end.
