Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome!

Incoming first-years, transfer students, and anyone else cutting their summer vacation short by coming to the campus a week before classes start: WELCOME TO SMU! Here you will begin a new chapter to your life, making new friends, gaining new knowledge, opening doors and getting into more debt than you would ever imagine was humanly possible. I’m sure you have many questions, not the least of which are, “Where am I and who the heck are you?”

My name is Jonathan Dewbre, and I am one of two commentary editors working at The Daily Campus this semester. The best thing about this paper is that it is student run and entirely independent from SMU – that means the university can’t tell us what to cover, who to hire or what we can and can’t print. The opinion page exists so that you, the students of SMU, can voice your opinion about what gets your goat, and actually have people listen. Want to tell the chairperson of your department that you want their job? Want to sock it to the administration for raising tuition yet again? Then type something up, attach it to an e-mail (.txt or .rtf format, please) , and send it to [email protected]. Don’t worry – we’ll be annoying you more about writing commentaries later on in the year.

Part of my vacation this summer included a trip to St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands. The economy seems to be based entirely on tourism, whether it’s selling t-shirts to tourists who have just stepped off their cruise ship, or charging people money to have their picture taken with your pet goat. (The other half of the economy seems to be based on drug trafficking, but that’s neither here nor there.)

It’s impossible to walk five feet without somebody asking you if you want a taxi, and if you agree to hire one, they treat you like a long-lost relative, taking you on an unsolicited 45-minute tour through the city pointing out every tree, rock and lizard they can identify.

That stuff never happens in Dallas, where taxis are about as foreign as double-decker minibuses (Mass transit in this city is practically confined to jumping into the Trinity River and swimming, although I wouldn’t recommend this.) But if it makes you feel any better about summer vacation ending, I’d like to offer you, free of charge, a pseudo-taxicab tour of Southern Methodist University, designed specially for you incoming students:

Driver: Hey mon, welcome to Southern Methodist University! Despite our lack of beaches, palm trees or oceans, we have plenty of entertainment and local color to offer you. Like many others before you, you may find the pull of SMU so irresistible that you may never want to leave!

The first thing most people see when they enter the SMU campus is Bishop Boulevard, the oval-shaped road that is as full of potholes as it as of asphalt. (If you’re confused about this, just wait a few weeks; it’s almost inevitable that every year, somebody will write a commentary complaining that the university needs to fix Bishop.) On football game days, The Boulevard is full of vendors, alumni and kegs of alcohol — this is the only time during the year when this is not a dry campus.

SMU boasts several stellar living areas situated at the northern and southern end of The Boulevard. You may hear people complain about some of the halls, referring to them as “the ghetto” or “Sh*ttles.” For the most part, this is simply sour grapes, considering the convenience of living in a place where you don’t have to clean your own bathroom outweighs problems you might encounter, such as an air conditioning system that only seems to work in winter. For those of you who are incoming first-years, tough noogies — you have to live on campus. And I respectfully request that this year, nobody push the microwaves out the window or set the corkboards on fire.

The second-most important place to you first-years will undoubtedly be the Umphrey-Lee cafeteria. Situated inside the former student union building, you can enjoy fine food and friendly service while enjoying 50s-style architecture. Actually, the cafeteria was recently renovated, and now offers a pleasant Piet Modrian pattern complemented with prints of Andy Warhol paintings. Once again, a lot of people complain about the food that the SMU cafeteria offers (mmm… crispy, blackened pigeon) as well as the fact that first-years are required to subscribe to a food plan. But you just try being a student and organizing three meals a day without it, and see how well you fare.

After you’ve been to the cafeteria, you might want to visit the Medical Center, where a helpful staff will attempt to fit you into the schedule of an overworked doctor next week but not before 5 p.m. Living in a communal atmosphere has its consequences. If you ever come down with one of those outbreaks of the flu, meningitis or mononucleosis, or if you just need a contraceptive device, you know where to go.

Now, stand outside of the Medical Center and stare vaguely northward, while saluting with your checkbook. You are facing Perkins – but you probably already know that, as you’ve sent your entire life savings there. Thanks to the advent of access.smu, you don’t really need to walk over there to add or drop a class anymore, but it’s important to know where the enrollment office and room 15 are anyway. You first-years already know all about the advisors in Clements Hall. Just remember – beg, scream, fight, do whatever you have to do to keep the same advisor the next four years. Trust us, you’ll understand the importance of this once you get into the faculty advising pool.

Just south of Perkins is McFarlin Auditorium, where this tour guide once saw prop comedian Gallagher perform. At the east end of the road bisecting Bishop Boulevard is the Owen Arts Center, which contains the Caruth Auditorium, the Bob Hope Auditorium and the Greer Garson Theater. At the entrance of Bishop is the Meadows Museum, whose collection of Spanish Art prompted the King of Spain to visit SMU. If you’re going to attend SMU, remember to support the impressive array of performances and arts we have like you’d support our football team (only better). You might also find it helpful to learn how to give directions to all three of these places to wandering motorists.

Jaunt down Binkley Boulevard and eventually you’ll hit Moody Coliseum, home to SMU basketball, and Ford Stadium, home to SMU football. We’ve been told that SMU swimming will eventually get a new home, but right now they have to settle for that ratty building on The Boulevard labeled “Natatorium.” Here you’ll also find the Dedman Center For Lifetime Sports, which many students over the past year have been pushing to get renovated. This is where first-years are required to take Wellness, and you’ll start seeing another meaning in the name “Dedman” once you’ve tried making that hike from Dallas Hall to the Dedman Center in five minutes. Don’t forget your SMU ID.

Now, walk back to the fountain located in the middle of the Main Quad. To your right is the Hughes-Trigg Student Center, a wonderful place where you can sign up for organizations, eat food at several franchised restaurants (a good deal for those of you who don’t like Aramark food), shop for groceries, attend Student Senate meetings, occasionally try out for Hollywood Squares and visit the Daily Campus newspaper office. To your north is the historic Dallas Hall, which originally housed all of SMU and is rumored to be built over the grave of a squirrel. We’ve been told that there are building on this campus where classes are held, but we assume that you can find those on your own.

Finally, this is where your tour ends – on Hillcrest, right in front of the Sushi shop. Don’t stand here too long, or you will get towed by one of the angry business owners who d
on’t want SMU students parking on their lots.

And remember, if you’re going somewhere in Snider Plaza, leave your car on campus and walk over there. Don’t be lazy. Via con dios, mon!