I’ve got a great idea

Most college students know about as much about current events as they do 18th century French poetry. But while what Frenchy rhymed about back then doesn’t matter, current events certainly do.

I read newspapers. I watch the national news (the local news in Dallas is as lively and relevant as the aforementioned verse). Sadly, most of our news today is sickening – wars, terrorist woes, corporate abuse and so on. So the only way I can get a quick summation of what’s what in the world is through Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show.”

Anyone who watched Tuesday night’s show (guest Denis Leary) may recognize the motivation for this column. It was reported (liberally used) that the Washington, D.C. incumbent mayor was taken off the ballot because it was discovered that there were forged signatures on his petition to run. Names like “Billy Joel” were signed. Apparently some intern got tired of making up names.

While this embarrassing anecdote is by no means a colossal insult to the face of democracy, it is a clear barometer for the horrors of American politics.

Let’s get it clear: we’ve been cheated, ignored, conned, misused, insulted and lied to more often than the girlfriends of the shirtless, drunken buffoons we watch on “Cops.” We know that there were plenty of warning signs to Sept. 11 far before that day. We know that the Clinton administration passed off outlines of plans to deal with Osama bin Laden to the Bush administration that were all but ignored. We know that our last president had sexual relations with a woman some 30 years his junior out of wedlock. We know that we have Supreme Court justices who harass women, senators who leave their dates in cars that are sinking into rivers, congressmen who play dumb when interns disappear, mayors who smoke crack and who knows what injustices occur on behalf of the school board.

I’m glad G. Dub can’t pronounce words or breathe and eat pretzels at the same time. At least he hasn’t rubbed out any innocents. As far as I know.

I’ve heard something about casting the first stone. Well, I can say that I have never overlooked any possible terrorist warnings that passed across my desk, committed adultery, talked obscenely about the measurements of my phallus, left any dates to drown (including metaphorically), lost any interns, hit the crack pipe or robbed the jump rope fund.

Naysayers and skeptics may accuse me of treason or communism, call me un-American. Far from in, Mc. I’m as American as… as… as striking millionaires. Heck, I’m almost as proud of an American as Arnold Schwarzenegger. That’s why I think this will work.

SMU, America, world: you heard it here first. I am officially announcing my candidacy for the presidency of the United States in 2004. “What party?” you ask. Republican? No, I’m not quite that old and scornful yet. Democrat? I play too many sports for that title. Independent? I would never ally myself with a wrestler and Dumbo lookalike. Green? No, I bathe far too regularly. Fascist? Too lazy. Monarchist? It has its perks, but then we’d have whipped King George for nothing. My party’s official name cannot be printed. The best I can give is: the [Expletive]-Off Party.

In my ethos there’s no lollygagging. Oh, some dude in Afghanistan’s talkin’ smack? Um, well, let’s bomb him and everyone he knows. Oh, some corporate scum lied about some math? Fine, sell all his stuff, divide his net worth to the nation’s PUBLIC school teachers, and make him serve as Rosie O’Donnell’s loofah boy. Our country’s economy is in the crapper? Okay, let’s save the billions we spend on drug enforcement. Yep, legalize it and tax the living hell out of it. These burnouts will get their fix regardless, why not thin out our prisons for real criminals and let’em get high until their brains no longer function.

And while I’m at it, child molesters, clergy or not, are going straight to the chair. Every kid will read Huckleberry Finn because it’s a great damn book, and parents will do time if their kid can’t read. Child pageants, dog sweaters and non-fat milk will be banned, and spelling will under no circumstances count.

For inquires about campaign contributions, e-mail me.