Give us a break

I was in Perkins Administration (which, if I remember Dante’s Inferno correctly, was the circle of hell following Hartsfield International Airport) before the start of the semester. All around the first floor were red cards from the Division of Enrollment Services, under which was, in nice large type, “Give Us a ’10′”. These cards were survey cards, intended for the students to indicate what kind of service they received from DES.

Considering that while I was there, I noticed an award on one of the counselor’s walls congratulating her for her first cancellation of a student account, as well as the fact that the seventh question on the survey was, and I quote “Did I suggest another product or service” (sic), that these surveys weren’t actually going to be used to improve anything except someone’s stock in International Paper.

So I figured, in my finite benevolence, I would come up with a more useful survey for Enrollment Services – one that will be more informative, as well as one that wasn’t copied from a business survey template.

1) Why did you come to DES today? (you may check more than one)

___ Hold on student account

___ Question about financial aid

___ To pay $8 for a ten cent piece of paper with my grades on it

___ Masochistic tendencies

___ I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my morning than wait in a hot chair for an hour and a half for something you screwed up

2) How long did you have to wait to see someone?

___ A long time

___ A very long time

___ A ridiculously long time

___ A stupidly long time

___ I grew a beard, and I’m a female

3) Do you remember who you saw today? ___ Yes ___ No

If yes, fill in his/her/their name(s) here:

If no, that’s okay; they’ll be gone in six months, anyway

4) Was our staff friendly to you?

___ Yes, in about the same way a car salesman is friendly

___ Yes, if you replace “friendly” with “bitchy”

___ Yes, but I’m not fooled by the nice people up front

___ I wouldn’t know; I still haven’t spoken with anyone yet

5) Did the DES staff member(s) help you solve your problem?

___ No

___ Hell, no!

___ Not only did they not help, they made it worse

___ No, but they did tell me how I could put myself in even more debt paying for this damn school

___ Yes, and I’m still recovering from the shock

6) How would you rate our service?

___ Well, at least I don’t feel homicidal like I normally do after leaving here

___ It could have been worse – I could have been at Blockbuster

___ You mean other than the fact that I have waste more time and money in here tomorrow? Just peachy-keen

___ Can I use negative numbers?

7) What can we do to help serve you better?

___ Stop making me wish I had gone to another school each time I come to this building

___ Let me know when SMU decides to tear down this building; I want to swing the wrecking ball

___ Treat us more like students than customers, and actually care … Oh, never mind, that’s not going to happen

___ Do your best lemming impersonation into the Grand Canyon

___ Remove your head from your rectal cavity

Thank you. Rest assured that we will read every suggestion. Read them, laugh, point out some of the answers to co-workers, laugh again, and then throw them away, but we will read them.