Bad guys really do get the girls
As surprising as it may seem, I have never been to jail, which I figure is a good thing, because I don’t feel that I would thrive in that particular atmosphere. One evening in Vegas when I was 16, however, I did win a slot mini-jackpot and subsequently spent a night in the New York New York Hotel and Casino holding room, but that is a different story altogether. Television and film had me convinced that the slammer was a rueful place filled with only strife, fear and boredom. Apparently, this is not so.
A hypothetical: you’re male. You’re doing time. The guard is female. She fancies you. What better way to carry out the remainder of your sentence than to have a little coitus? Well that’s precisely what happened at the U.S. Penitentiary in Florence, Colorado.
Kellie Kissinger, 34, was a guard when she copulated with inmate Gerald Baily “at least 13 times.” Shortly thereafter and without knowledge of the events, the prison promoted her to a position that oversees all the prison’s guards. What an interesting position for her.
Another guard, Christine Archenbach (I’m not making that up, I swear),42, is also being charged. It seems that Kellie is testifying against Christine, a deal that will lead to the state’s dropping of three similar charges against Kissinger. This is all beginning to sound like a low-budget porno film.
Here’s my favorite part of all this: the ladies are being charged with … sexual abuse. I know. I’m certain that Gerald feels totally abused if not also humiliated by this perverse ordeal. Poor chap! The shame, the agony, the mocking looks the other inmates must cast in his direction! He probably can’t sleep or eat because of the abuse.
If the crime is my favorite part of this story, the punishment comes in a close second. Along with possible jail-time, our friends Kellie and Christine may be fined up to $5,000 for their exploits. Yep. Beware America: our government has become a pimp. For a measly five g’s, you can get a night with a convicted coke dealer.
Moving along, it seems to me that if one obtains a good enough lawyer, one can be acquitted of almost anything. We all remember The Juice, and for you 19th century historians, we have Lizzy Borden of ax-murdering fame. Well Sebastian Burns, 26, is currently being held without bail for a triple-homicide. His lawyer, Theresa Loson, 43, was a highly respected advocate within the legal community. That was until she and her client had intercourse during a meeting. She no longer represents Sebastian.
The old expression “Nice guys finish last” may be more true now than ever. The ’50s gave us James Dean and Elvis, the ’60s offered John Lennon, the ’70s tossed out Al Pacino and Kiss, the ’80s secreted Axl Rose, the ’90s produced William Jefferson Clinton and something called grunge music. Now we have criminals and guards getting freaky. It’s a progressive nightmare, this. Who knows, by the next decade girls may be pining after curly haired skeptics. I can only hope.
All joking aside, this is a serious problem for everyone. Prison should act as a deterrent to crime, if there is such a thing, not offer a place to get wild with handcuffs. Everyone’s favorite hermit nutcase, one Ted Kacynski, the Unabomber, just so happens to be an inmate at the same Colorado penitentiary as our friends Kellie, Gerald and Archenbach. Every so often you hear about women whose husbands are on death row. They feel it is their right to use their husband’s sperm, through artificial insemination, to have a child. The child of a man society has condemned to death. Now, there are female guards willing to accept this fluid without the – excuse me for using this joke – deposit by mail fee.
Who would I be to complain without offering a solution to this problem. I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve figured out a way to end all the problems that prisons cause. Give everyone in jail a flight to the Middle East, pictures of Osama and Saddam and a handgun. Problem solved.
