Of all the problems in our society, there is one that sits there mocking us. It resides in lonely basements like rancid butter and lurks in almost every single dorm. It crawls up the legs and sends electricity through every inch of the body, numbing the senses and shooting anger and distress up the spinal column.

I’m talking about Facebook poking.

It’s really late at night and you’ve got a few notifications to check before you go do homework or work on that paper that’s due tomorrow (yeah, right). Then you notice something odd: someone has poked you.

Poking is awkward. It means someone went to your Facebook profile, looked around, and decided to say, “Hey there, you. I’m going to poke you.”

One of the worst things about poking is what’s known as a “poking war.” For those who don’t know what this is, a poking war is a battle of poking back and forth until your inbox is filled with the message, “Simon has poked you on Facebook!”

It grows old very quickly and fills me with a rage like none other. There’s no point to continuous poking. It only builds up tension and stress and causes me to harbor a dislike for the person doing it.

I think we need to break down the term “poke” for all of you to grasp the hatred I have for this action. To poke is to take your index finger and, with force, drive your finger into a person who is near you.

For added effect, it is considerably more painful to poke between the ribs. Poking hurts, plain and simple.

I’d really like to have been a fly on the wall in the meeting when the Facebook board of directors decided to institute poking. Imagine, if you will, a young marketing representative whose deadline for coming up with new ideas for the Web site is closing in. Donny is running out of ideas and is called into the boardroom.

“Well, Donald, what do you have for us? This had better be good. We’re just poking some fun at you!”

Suddenly, the greatest idea goes through Donny’s head.

“Mr. Zuckerberg, we will add an option for people to poke their friends, even if it’s for something as simple as a reminder that they are still friends.”

“Donald! You’re brilliant! You’re going places!”

Which leads us to the question: Why is Facebook poking around? No one uses it, except some creepers. And if a creeper pokes you, you should go ahead and block him. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term “Facebook creeper,” it’s pretty simple.

You know the guy you went to elementary school with, the guy who lives back in your hometown and works security from 11 P.M. to 7 A.M. at a local ink cartridge company? You know who I’m talking about. Out of the blue, he writes on your wall asking how you’ve been or what you’re doing this weekend.

Those are the guys who utilize Facebook poking. We have to put a stop to this madness. We have to stop Facebook creepers.

Don’t poke the bear, buddy. And I’m the bear.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].