If you’re a committed reader of mine, you know that one of my first articles was about the voice actor who says, “Fire. Get out immediately,” during fire drills here on campus.

Well, Tuesday around 6:30 a.m., I heard that oh-so-familiar voice telling me to exit the room as soon as possible. Unlike last time, I didn’t run out in my boxers and a box with pictures of my family. Recognizing this as the biannual fire drill, I put some blue jeans on with a T-shirt.

So I left my room and saw all of my fellow dorm mates exiting the building with pajamas and sad and confused looks on their faces. And there I was wearing a T-shirt and nice jeans. They probably hated me.

I start walking to what they call “safety island” where I managed to catch the conversation of two girls who were unhappy about this drill.

“Oh my God! I was so close to finishing ‘Breaking Dawn.’ This is so not fair!”

Two quick points/questions here. Number one: “Breaking Dawn,” for all my male readers, is the final book in the “Twilight” series. You know, the one where your girlfriend reads it and constantly asks you why you can’t be like someone named Edward. Number two: WHY WAS SHE READING A BOOK AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING?! I had to investigate.

“Excuse me,” I said, so as to not seem rude.

“What?” She replied.

“Why were you reading that ‘Twilight’ book so early?”

“Ugh…typical. You wouldn’t understand. If you did, you would know that once you start reading it, it’s nearly impossible to put down.”

I know a little bit about the series. I dated a girl who once I gave her a copy of “Breaking Dawn,” told me she was in love with me and would forgive all my previous mistakes. I began to develop a simple theory: if you make a mistake, just buy your girlfriend a “Twilight” book.

As for the main details about the books, I have no clue. I know that there is a girl named Bella, a vampire named Edward and a werewolf named Jacob, and Bella has to pick one of them.

Congress recently made a motion to amend the Constitution so that a 28th Amendment now reads, “No man shall read any of the ‘Twilight’ books. The only legal way he can view the film is if his girlfriend makes him.” I’m not making this up; check it out.

Over the winter break, a girl I liked dragged me to the movie. I was absolutely dreading it. We were in the car, and we were both in a terrible mood. She was complaining about what I was wearing and was worried that we weren’t going to be out in time to meet her parents for dinner.

The movie was bad. But this is coming from a strictly critical standpoint. My assessment is that if I were a fan of the books, I would be rallying in the streets for a Best Picture nomination. I, however, am not a fan of the books, nor have I read them, and I thought there was so much ham in the film that you could feed a small army.

We left the theater, and she grabbed my hand and stopped me. She looked at me with her beautiful eyes and her glowing face and said, “I know you didn’t want to see that movie, and I know you aren’t Edward, but you’re pretty close. Thank you for taking me. I’m glad you’re in my life.”

The moral of the story? The “Twilight” series is the greatest group of books ever written.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].