Disclaimer: This is satire. I know all the lyrics to at least six Naked Brothers Band songs, so please don’t ever take me seriously.

OK. So, if you’re reading this, you’re either an expert at being a basic white girl or you have no idea what you’re doing. Either way, I’ll help you.

It’s fall, and everyone knows that’s the best season. All the other seasons are stupid. How are you going to make the best of this season? I mean, it only comes once a year. You have to take advantage of it.

Here is my perfect guide for fall!

First, you have to get a pumpkin spice latte. I know. This is the most basic thing you can do; that’s why I’m putting it first. Pumpkin spice is life and haters can back off.

Next, you have to have scented candles! If you’re house doesn’t constantly smell like apples or pumpkins, how are you supposed to remember it’s fall? The only acceptable place to get your candles is Bath and Body Works. I recommend the leaves candle. I will never love a person as much as I love the leaves candle.

By the way be sure to avoid Jen at the Appleton, Wisconsin store.

Another piece of advice: only by food with the word pumpkin in it. You only have a limited time to pick up pumpkin waffles and pumpkin ice cream. If you don’t take advantage of this opportunity, you’re going to spend the rest of the year upset that you missed out on these sacred delicacies.

Instagram every pile of leaves you see. If a leaf falls in a forrest and no one posts about it, then, like, did it even happen? The answer is no.

Always wear your Uggs. They are comfortable. If someone tries to make fun of you, you can just kick them. It will hurt them, and you won’t feel a thing because of the fluffy padding! It’s a win-win for everyone, really.

Finally, enjoy all the holidays this season. Coordinate a cute Halloween costume with your bestie. You could do a solo look, but then people might think you don’t have any friends which would suck. You obviously have a ton of friends. You’re a basic white girl. Then on Thanksgiving, be sure to tweet how #blessed you are to be with your amazing and loving family.

Have a magical fall, b*tches!