Girls often find themselves wasting their nights trying to decipher every vague motion committed by a guy, pondering the deeper meaning behind all of his actions and words. Ladies, don’t complicate the issue, because for every ambivalent act made by men lies a simple and clear reason.
Drop the Rosetta stone, delete your men translator app, and prepare for a mind-blowing journey into the minimalistic thoughts of men.
Five truths about five mysteries surrounding men:
1. We’re intimidated by your father
We know you’re daddy’s girl and that’s exactly what scares us. Girls can talk about how kind and sincere their fathers are all day, but when guys confront the patriarch we’ll shrivel like dried grapes and end up in a fetal position. Compared to meeting your oh so lovely dad, our manhood would shrivel less if we streaked through a blizzard in the middle of winter.
For out-of-state guys dating a Texas girl, don’t spaz out, but ya’ll are already married. You absolutely do not mess with Texas girls because 99 percent of their fathers have guns, the remaining 1 percent will buy one, and 100 percent of fathers will be more than happy to use it. Be warned, you’ll see a threatening shotgun proudly displayed in your girl’s home and their dad will tell you it’s only for decoration.
But girls, don’t worry about your father chasing us away because that would upset you, in turn upsetting your father, and lead to our deaths.
2. Bathroom checkmates
No, we don’t play chess in the bathroom. But in every men’s restroom, an unspoken rule echoes through its stalls: always leave a space between you and the other gentlemen. Ask a guy about his most embarrassing moment in the bathroom and he’ll never tell you because of the sheer awkwardness of sharing the story.
I’ll try to shake off my shivers. In a sense, guys learn the hard way to keep our eyes on the target and not on another soldier’s weapon. An immense pressure of awkwardness falls on our shoulders when two men are tall enough to see over the stalls or urinal dividers, or lack thereof. So we stare intently at the blank wall pretending that we clearly can’t see each other doing our business.
Always leave a space between two men or it’s checkmate.
3. The ultimate sacrifice
Girls are the biggest mysteries. One that most men would sacrifice their most prized possession to solve. Our deal with the devil, the ultimate sacrifice: guys would trade their left nut to read a girl’s mind for a day. Not an exaggeration, maybe even an understatement. Questions about whether girls like us or what they want for their birthday drive guys crazy.
4. “I can fix that”
Holes’ Shia LaBeouf started this stereotype that men can fix anything, Noah building Allie’s dream house in “The Notbook” perpetuated this stigma, and now men everywhere must live up to the standards of these movies’ men.
But we really can fix anything. Don’t call the plumber, don’t doubt our abilities to fix the sink, and certainly don’t tell us we can’t do it. We can fix everything even if it appears we don’t have a clue where to begin. A sense of pride and ability to provide drives us.
Speaking of driving, we know where we’re going even if we’ve strayed from the main route. We couldn’t care less if we’re driving, guys will look at the map. And if you think a girl’s phone gives good directions, a guy’s phone will give better ones. A little off track but that’s okay, I know where I’m going with this: Pride before beauty.
5. Guys overthink too
Aye, she winked at me or did she blink? Rachel followed me on Instagram; she so wants me, right? Merely two of the myriad questions we wonder about.
Girls are guys’ weakness and we want to make a perfect impression everyday. So if a guy trips, snorts, or does something stupid in front of a girl, he will think about it for the next year or whenever he talks to her again.
Secret’s out. We care even if we say we don’t.
Girls, ya’ll finally have the answers to the questions about men. I’m surprised it’s taken this long for ya’ll to figure it out.
While women may be the fairer sex, men are the more mature ones. So moral of the story: Guys rule, girls drool.
