Girl Talk

I got a rather annoying phone call from my mother a few weeks ago. After waking me up from a perfectly good nap, she proceeded to yell at me for not calling her the night before. Now, in my mind, I just saw her the afternoon before and as I left I said I’d call her later. That should give me approximately a 24-hour window of grace in which to actually pick up the phone, right? Apparently not.

She went on to “explain” to me that I said I’d call later, which to her meant later that night, because that’s what that means in the adult world. I argued that people MY age don’t mean the phrase so specifically. A 40-year-old and a 20-year-old have different definitions of many things (my mom actually once said the phrase, “I look so skanky”— obviously it meant something else 20 years ago).

But conversations between older adults and younger adults are not the only ones where there seems to be a bit of a language barrier. Even if we’re both speaking English, I think the biggest difference in definitions is between the genders when we’re speaking in dating terms—what a guy hears versus what a girl hears.

After a great date, if a guy says he’ll “call you later,” a girl hears ‘I’ll call you in the next 24 hours or so if I’m interested.’ Personally, I think that interpretation isn’t that far off base. I mean, a guy will make time for a basketball game he wants to watch or a frat party he wants to go to, so why not a girl if he actually likes her? I know, it’s a shocking concept for many of you.

I actually started dating a guy recently who, as he dropped me home on a Monday night, said he’d call me the next day. I always take such comments with quite a bit of skepticism (as anyone who’s read my column well knows), but Tuesday afternoon at 12:48 p.m. he did the unthinkable—he kept his word and called me. Talk about letting me know he’s interested (and thereby keeping me from feeling insecure).

But it doesn’t always work that way. When a guy says “I’ll call you later” he means just that—later, as in any time after that precise moment. Girls give guys way too much credit when it comes to these head games.

Guys aren’t purposely unclear about what they mean; they just don’t really see that they might need to clarify (they must not realize that we girls don’t speak “vague”). Know what else guys don’t do?

They don’t sit and plan out exactly what to say at the end of your phone call to give off just the right blend of interested and casual. If a guy wants to hang out, he doesn’t act like he has to check his calendar if he knows he’s not doing anything. Guys don’t spend an hour in front of the mirror trying on different shirts because they might see that cute girl they’re not sure they’re dating.

They don’t look up every detail of your life on Facebook then pretend to be surprised when you tell them something they already know. We’re the only ones that put ourselves through that. (Yes, I really do know girls who have done every one of those.)

So why do we do it? Why can’t we just take the guy approach to dating? Do what you want to do, when you want to do it—no games. Why can’t we just call him if we want to talk to him? Instead of picking up the phone, we sit around and wonder if we did something wrong, we second-guess ourselves, we actually feel bad that the jerk wasn’t interested enough to call when we expected him to. So could someone please tell me again WHY we do that? Yeah, I don’t know either.

Sometimes I think people should just say what they mean. Could you imagine if people actually meant what they said to other people? It’s a scary concept, but one I think I might be willing to try on. No more having to interpret what he said versus what he really meant. No more wondering if she really has another date tonight or if she’s just trying to make you jealous.

We whine and cry about guys who we (mistakenly) think play these mind games when, really, we’re the ones playing the games. We’re the ones waiting four rings to answer the phone. We’re the ones who clear his calls when we’re upset so he’ll know we’re upset. When you say it out loud – or in this case, see it in print – it seems sort of childish, doesn’t it?

With this in mind, I’m setting a new goal for the week. I’m going to spend one full week refusing to play the game. When I’m bored and want to talk to him, I’m going to pick up the phone. If I’m upset with him, I’m going to say, “Hey, I’m unhappy and here’s why,” instead of refusing to answer his calls. Give it a shot. Try sitting back and watching the game instead of playing it. See you later — and by later, I mean next week.