As I watch my target stroll under the streetlights, I realize the sureness of my success: he is so unaware, so unprepared for his utter annihilation. I continue to army crawl down the Boulevard toward him as the gap between us quickly closes. He walks past me, a mere 20 yards away, and I prepare myself.
Gun cocked? Check. Look left? Look right? No reinforcements? Check. Is he looking? No. Check. It’s time.
I dash from the undergrowth, gaining ground and leveling my NERF Maverick for the kill. I pull the trigger. A perfect shot! The dart soars through the brisk air and I feel victory pump through my veins as the dart strikes him. Jason, you are mine!
But my sense of victory vanishes as quickly as it came and is replaced by sheer horror as I realize that this is not Jason, but an innocent bystander. He turns slowly, holding his eye and has tears on his cheeks. “Et tu Brute?” He whispers, a look of heartbreak across his face.
Me: “Oh my God! I’m so sorry! Are you okay? God, I’m sorry!” Embarrassment overcomes me as I try to explain myself. “I really didn’t mean to-“
Assailed: “Out, out, brief candle!” He then procures a skull from his bag and, holding it outstretched in his arm continues, “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.”
Me: “I’m so sorry,” I exclaim, thoroughly perplexed at the exaggeration of this performance, but still feeling very foolish. “I thought you were-“
Assailed: “A plague upon your residence hall!” He exclaimed, declaring to the heavens. He then ran away down the Boulevard, still cradling his eye and never looking back.
Eyewitness Michael Key saw the event in its entirety: “Yeah, it was really weird. I could have sworn that the guy with the gun shot the drama kid in the middle of the back. I’m not sure why he was holding his eye.”
After an uneasy night of guilt and shame, I went to the Memorial Health Center to see if my accidental victim had checked in. They reported that they had in fact seen a patient by the name of John Paul Green, and had given him the eye patch that he asked for, despite the fact that they saw no signs of an impact.
Additionally, I was lucky enough that Green had chosen not to take legal action, as the SMU administration has yet to publish a policy that revokes the students’ right to “[run] around with a yellow little gun, screaming with delight.”
Despite this, however, I feel compelled to apologize to Green on behalf of myself and participants of the NERF game of Virginia-Snider for the accidental maiming of editorialist John Paul Green’s eyeball. We selfishly failed to take into account the overtly offensive nature of good, clean fun.
Jack Benage, facilitator and creator of the rapidly spreading game that has now expanded to Mary Hay, personally laments the accident, stating, “I feel horrible for the creation of a game that so tragically brutalized a fellow first-year. Yet to a greater degree, I feel I must extend my condolences to John Paul Green, that his childhood days lacked laughter and brightly colored toy guns and instead consisted of exotic varieties of cheese and granny smith apples, which albeit, bring me great joy.”
On a serious note, players of the NERF assassination game would like to point out that there are numerous benefits to this tomfoolery. Because most of the residents of Virginia-Snider are first-years, the game has served as a catalyst for social interaction.
Jeff Klein, a veteran NERF-er, believes that, “there are very few better ways to get to know someone than to shoot them in the back of the head when they’re not looking.”
We would like it to be known that, in order to please Mr. Green and his constituents, NERF Commissioner Benage has officially reprimanded both “Derrick” and “Jason;” Derrick for his poor marksmanship and Jason for looking too much like aforementioned John Paul Green.
In an unprecedented move to battle social unrest against the game, Benage has also implemented a new rule requiring that any assassination, leaving the target visually impaired, is considered invalid. Furthermore, upon recommendation of a bipartisan NERF task force, all players have been urged to wear protective safety goggles to avoid further injury.
In closing, I would like to extend my deepest apology towards Green for the “common misconception” that “[Green] hates people.” On behalf of the honor’s community, I feel that I can say that we do not believe Green to be a “cynical, unhappy, emotionless, evil, 60-year-old man.” We would like to point out, however, that it is in fact Snider, not Snyder.
In the words of Mr. J.P. Green: “Wow.”
Alex Ehmke is a freshman political science, public policy and economics triple major.. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
