SMU – the musical!

With “Chicago” on the way to win an almost guaranteed best picture Oscar on Sunday, and with hit shows like “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” broadcasting popular all-musical episodes, I decided it was high time for SMU to have a musical.

Granted, there’s no Fosse choreography or demons forcing people to dance until they burst into flames, but I think you’ll find my efforts both humorous and approximately 700 words long, thus filling this space.

So, without further ado, I give you –

THE SMU MUSICAL!

(The curtain rises on a group of SMU students, creeping groggily to class at 8 in the morning)
Students [to tune of “Oh What A Beautiful Morning” from “Oklahoma”]:
There’s a big foggy haze on the hilltop;
There’s a gray smoky haze on the hilltop;
It’s industrial smog over dull Dallas skies,
Or maybe its tears in my sleep deprived eyes.
Oh what a terrible morning,
Oh what a horrible day;
I’ve got an unhappy feeling,
Today’s when I’m losing that “A.”

Commuter student [to “525,600 Minutes” from “Rent”]:
525,600 miles, I had to park in Dedman 3.
And by the time that I get to my classroom,
The angry professor will injure me

Professor: Alright class, where’s the set of problems I asked you to complete for today?

Students [to “Cell Block Tango” from “Chicago”]:
We didn’t do them! We didn’t do them!
Because “Survivor” was on last night!
We didn’t do them! But if we’d done them,
You know our answers would not be right!

Professor [to “Be Our Guest” from “Beauty And The Beast”]: Well, then …
Take my test, take my test,
Then you’ll really feel depressed;
It’s got stuff we haven’t covered,
Murky questions make the rest.
There’s no curve, no half credit,
Gave you homework, hope you read it,
If you didn’t, then boo hoo,
I’ve no sympathy for yooooouuu!
Do it all, one by one,
Put down your pencils, now you’re done,
15 minutes is all you get to take the thing!
I’ll grade you on a scale –
Ha ha, I lied – you failed!
Take my test, take my test, take my teeeest!

Athlete:
Luck! Be a lady TO-nigh . . .(Professor grabs him, tosses him out of classroom)

(Students twirl madly and gayly across hilltop)

Students:
Money makes the world go ’round! World go ’round! World go ’round!

Student in front of Perkins [to “On My Own” from “Les Miserables”]:
On my own,
I have no food or money!
Peoplesoft has now just screwed me over!
My scholarship has disappeared, Houdini!
Student loans, here I come, in 20 years I’ll still be paying for this junk!

Other students at Perkins [to “76 Trombones” from “The Music Man”]:
Oh, we’ve got trouble! Right here at SMU! With a capital T, and that rhymes with T, and that stands for ‘Tuition’!
7 percent increase makes me want to scream!
$11,000 a term is too much to pay!
With a 40 percent increase in the freshman class next year,
Where’s that money going anyway?

Lone minority student [to “Edelweiss” from “Sound Of Music”]:
What-a-white, what-a-white,
What a very white campus;
Small and white,
Clean from sight,
Of any non-WASP personas!
Where are all the minorities?
Isn’t this school in Dallas?
It’s too white; that’s not right,
You stupid, ignorant ass-es!

Students walking out of cafeteria, holding stomachs [to “Comedy Tonight” from “A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum”]:
Something that’s greasy,
Something that’s grody
Nothing for anyone at Umphrey- Lee tonight!
Maybe it’s chicken?
Maybe it’s roast beef?
Can’t tell quite what it is at Umphrey-Lee tonight!

(Students in fraternity and sorority row emerge, snapping their fingers)

Greeks [to “Jet Song” from “West Side Story”]:
Sigs! Kaps! Pi-Phis! Tri-Delts!
When you’re a greek, you’re a greek all the way,
From your first day in rush to your last passing grade!
When you’re a greek, your oath you can’t renig,
So let’s gather the gang and drink from a keg!

English student: Um . . . ‘renig’ and ‘keg’ don’t really rhyme.

Me: Shut up!

Students [to “America”]:

Going to school at S-M-U! We’re all at school S-M-U!
Meadows and business at S-M-U!
Engineering and science at S-M-U!
We stay in our buildings, and don’t mix.
We’re all apathetic because of it.
Though our schools all have the same name,
‘Cause Dedman wrote checks for all of them!

Lone student [to “Memory” from “Cats”]:
Memory, all alone in my dorm room,
Think about my freshman GPA, it was beautiful then;
I remember a time I knew what caring was,
Let the cynicism begin.
All my textbooks seem to beat a fatalistic warning –
You’re going to fail! Don’t even bother, pal!
Play video games ’til morning!
Daylight, I must study ’til sunrise,
I must drink lots of Cola, and I mustn’t give in;
On Friday, I have another mid-term exam,
And I’ll have to stay up all night again . . .

(All the students form a pyramid in front of the fountain to sing the finale)

Students [to “The Impossible Dream” from “Man Of La Mancha”]:
To dream the impossible dream,
To write the unwritten word,
To solve the incalculable problem,
To ask what seems truly absurd!
That is our quest! To graduate!
No matter how hopeless! No matter how late!
To fight for the grades that we may not deserve!
To spend years of our lives pretending we’re nerds!
And we know, although we’ll be true to that glorious quest,
We will still find no jobs, making this stuff pointless.
But our lives will be better for this,
That we toiled, ever more, ever hard,
To hit up our mommies and daddies,
TO BUY US MORE PURSES AND CAAAARS!