The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

What to expect during parents’ weekend

Parents’ weekend is an annual event held at SMU.

It is highly anticipated; however, what people do not realize is how dangerous and crazy it is.

The following is a description of what happens when creatures called “parents” come to SMU for parents’ weekend.

Parents flock in hoards to come visit their precious child (or children) and experience a taste of what SMU has to offer.

They are concentrated on the SMU campus, and slowly spread outwards, infiltrating all of Dallas as they check into all the hotels closest to school.

They like to travel in pairs. Typically it will be a man and a woman. You can decipher if they are together usually by a ring on the fourth finger of their left hand.

They will select a target residential common, where they will scope out for a young adult, looking similarly physical to themselves.

Then, they will thrust their arms open and capture their prey, locking them into a suffocating embrace for a duration of time.

They will also name their prey. Names such as “daughter,” “son,” “offspring” or “child” have been used. They will say these names constantly while coddling their prey.

Parents will then enter the habitat of their child.

They will throughly go through their belongings. They will inspect if it is sanitary. They will check if there is water and food for the child to be healthy. They will pry to see if their “child” has undisclosed personal items that they should not have.

The anxiety for the child builds.

As this goes on, the parents become hungry. They must feed. The parents use the child as a human Siri to find food.

The parents will then force the child to describe every building and significant looking object they see in detail along the way.

Once entering the dining hall, the parents will examine the food. They will taste it and determine whether or not the food is to their liking. They will tell the child how palatable they found it. They will also ask the child many questions about the food regardless if the child knows the answer or not.

This process continues.

When darkness falls, the parents retract and return to their hives, such as the Lumen or the Hilton, until morning.

The next day, boulevarding and parents’ night out will take a taxing toll on parents’ bodies.

Parents will assimilate to SMU students by dressing in similar fashion. They will camouflage themselves by wearing red, white or blue.

On the boulevard, the parents will ingest alcohol, as they can since they are of legal age.

This substance will be delectable; the parents will ingest more and more as the day persists.

By nighttime the parents will have become inebriated. This induces the formation of many friendships with the child’s friends, acquaintances and peers.

The child will then bring their parents out to Barley or Trophy Room where they will communicate and mingle with other parents and their children. It will be superb.

The night will be concluded when one of the parents or the child cannot take in any more alcohol. They will be exhausted. They will want to eat food and fall asleep right outside the bar or club. They will all be taken back via Uber and go through a short hibernation.

The final morning comes.

The parents will leave in accordance to their flight itinerary, where they will be sent off back to their homeland.

The child will feel sad. The child will miss its birthgivers. The child will realize that although parents can be a little extreme at times, they love the child dearly.

The child will then embrace the parents one last time and realize that the ominous and anxiety-filled parents’ weekend should not have been perceived as so. It should be a time of excitement, happiness and joy as a family reconnects to make new memories in the child’s new home.

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