One would think that sitting with your earphones in would deter people from coming to talk to you. Not that I don’t love talking; all of my friends can attest to the fact that I could carry on a conversation with a brick wall.

However, when I have my headphones in and bury my nose in a book, it is because I am trying to avoid my creeper.

Yes, it’s true, there are creepers in the world, and they plague SMU’s campus like beer cans after Homecoming. These professional “knee-flexer” and “arm-T-rexers” really know how to pick a prime time when you are trying to get your work done.

There is almost a pattern that they all follow to suck you into a 15 minute conversation, and possibly (if you’re a pushover like me) coffee or a date. How can us creepees avoid them?

Know “The 4-step process.”

(1) Eye Contact. A creeper always makes eye-contact first. Once your pupils meet, they feel invited to say hello, and will begin to approach. How to counter: You’re stuck on this one unless you wear two eye patches.

(2) The Approach. Once they approach your sitting area/where you are standing, they begin with, “Hello!” and it’s downhill from there. After you respond, more questions can arise, reeling you into a conversation that you don’t have (nor want) time for. How to counter: Short answers are best, but depending on the level of creep this creeper employs, this tactic will not work.

(3) The Move. After conversation, a creeper will either (a) leave you alone to think about the conversation, or (b) ask you out. How to counter: Make excuses, or if you’re blunt and brave, simply say no.

(4) Attachment. After giving in one time, a creeper will attach himself to you. After this happens, you have lost hope. Give up. There is nothing you can do without seriously hurting the other person.

All of these signs can be predicted and noticed, and many of these tactics work. You could always be downright rude, but no one likes a mean person. So, what if you’re a softy and just can’t seem to ignore your creeper or lure them away from you?

There is no hope.

An experienced creeper will take your non-action as you communicating to them, “They like me!” This is often not the case.

Of course, I’m sure many of you are wondering at this very moment why this pretentious sounding guy is writing about creepers. You are thinking, “I’m sure he has been a creeper for someone else at some point!”

Of course I have! The term “creeper” is too subjective. I’m sure there have been those who I have unknowingly creeped out, but we all have. That’s why we are all really experts at heart.

Don’t believe me? Do you really think you have never creeped on anyone? Ask around to your friends. Get the scoop from someone else. Of course, that is a creepy act in itself.

Creepers. We all have them. We’ve all been them. We can’t get rid of them. What’s the world to do?

PS, “Don’t forget to smile!”

Michael Graves is a first year religious studies and communications studies double major. He can be reached for comments or questions at [email protected].