Can you speak English?

I don’t know how or when speaking well became uncool, butI believe correct verbage should be revived.

This is for all “bros” out there who might bethinking “dude you’re a dork, why can’t you justbe more “chill”. I’m also addressing all the”fly honeys” who I will never be dating.

I say this: I may not be privy to the popular vernacular of mygeneration, but I don’t want to be. I like being able toarticulate my opinions to people while sounding somewhatintelligent at the same time.

I’m assuming that since you attend an institution ofhigher learning you are still interested in intelligence (myassumption may, however, be my Achilles heal)

I’m not “tight” or “dope”. I evenbelieve that some of my examples are obsolete. I’m proud tospeak English properly. When I go to speak to my professors, Ibenefit by the ability to make up excuses for why I missed a testby using “ill” in its proper context.

If you think I’m just being a “dick,” youmisunderstand my intentions. I’m actually trying to help allthe people who still feel the social pressure to talk like everyoneelse does.

Just because you might consider yourself to be mature, does notmean you speak like your brain is. It only hurts your ability to besuccessful at manipulating the faculty. Case in point:

Which would you be more likely to believe as a professor?

Professor Naivety … I apologize for not being able totake the test on Monday. I have really enjoyed the past unit on thepsychology of people with borderline personality disorder.Especially the sections in which we discussed how these peopledevelop a very acute manipulation technique. I really feel that,given the opportunity, I would be able to unequivocally prove myconceptual mastery of the material in question.

Or …

Dude … Professor Naivety … I’m totallybummed about missing the quiz on Monday. What? Oh … it was atest! My bad. … I really read all the stuff. … If youcould just be cool and let me take the test late, I know I could dogood.

See what happened was, I was chillin’ this weekend withsome dudes, and I couldn’t come to see your dope class. I hadthis problem and … um … I was absent because of it. Youknow how that goes. Please bro….Well arightthen….peace!

That last ditched effort to relate to your professor and his/hergeneration by using the now popularized closing “peace”will only insult the actual peace in which he/she was most likelyrallying towards.

All I’m saying is try and be aware of what you sound liketo other people. Whether you’re trying out for the play”Cabaret” or actually working in one, your career canalways benefit by speaking well.

Some of you might be asking, “well how does one begin tospeak well?” I am glad that you asked.

You should try not to take on too much at one time and alwaysstart with small progressions.

First, try counting how many times one of your friends uses theword “like”, or the new “Um,” in asentence.

This is much harder than it sounds as you have most likelybecome so desensitized to the word that its presence is veryinconspicuous.

Once you have mastered the counting technique, try and catchyour own usage of the word “like.” You might findyourself with pauses in conversational thought when you eliminate”like” from your vocabulary.

Fret not, this will leave you with much more witty bantor toespouse to that “bitch” you’re trying to”play.”

If you find that you have nothing to say once all of yoursuperfluous lingo is gone, try thinking.

I love the Conjunction Junction as deeply as the next person,but it was really only useful in 7th grade. Try mixing up yourusage of conjunctions and the two words separately that make themup.

This play on words may sound a little odd to the ear wheninitially spoken, but eventually it becomes as habitual andseamless as your “Sex and the City” watch parties,guys.

I really enjoy playing basketball but when did”hoop” become a verb? Is a “baller” aperson that makes balls?

I’m “all about” the hip-hop stylings of Eminemand Chingy, but in the future try mastering English with the helpof your professors instead.

Don’t be afraid to be the first person in your socialcircle to make these spoken changes. Once you start, I think youwill find it greatly improves your ability to express the thoughtsthat you might have.

You might even notice your friends following your lead, and thenyou’ll be a “player”. If you would like to see meabout further ideas regarding this issue, I’ll be the guygetting his “ass beat” behind Hughes-Trigg.