Finding good friends is extremely hard to do. These true friends are the ones that you can share anything with whether it is a tiny secret or a failed attempt to shave your loved one’s initials into your hair. Personally, I have been blessed with a few of these true friends, and it just occurred to me that there is a common thread in all of my individual relationships.

Surely, you have had a similar experience in which you are out having a good time with one of these friends when they suddenly say something like, “If I were dating someone you didn’t like, you would tell me, right? I mean, I would want you to tell me.” I have had the same conversation with three different friends, and each has been a totally different experience. The tricky part is finding a way to bring up the deal we made to be truthful without overstepping any boundaries.

The first guy I had this trouble with is a gregarious chap I’ve known since my sophomore year of high school who loves nothing more than to show off his poor basketball skills in knee-high socks and skintight shorts. Nevertheless, he fell head-over-socks for a cancer of a woman.

At first, she seemed awesome. She joined us on several occasions and I noticed that she possessed a level of wit and sarcasm above and beyond that which is found in most everyone in our generation. She seemed like a good match for my friend. I quickly realized that this humor wasn’t actually wit or sarcasm, but that she was just mean and cruel. I heard she once punched a mall Santa because he asked her to sit on his lap.

But how do you tell your friend, a guy you would slap a nun for, that his significant other is a turd? In this case, I exercised my Fifth Amendment right and kept quiet when I probably should have tried the Second.

I had the same heart-to-heart with another close friend who I’ve known since we were in little league together. After our talk, he proceeded to find the perfect woman. Really, she is awesome. Smart, pretty and rich parents to boot – who needs more? The only problem is: I think my friend is gay. (Unbeknownst to him, of course). How do you bring something like that up? I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Me: “Have you ever thought that maybe you are a homosexual?”

Him: “No, what makes you think that?”

Me: “Well, you are going to the doctor every other day!”

Him: “That doesn’t make me gay.”

Me: “Yeah, but how many rectal exams do you need a week?”

Maybe the conversation is a little exaggerated, but to me, dating men is a little on the homosexual side. Either way, I love this guy and just want him to be happy. So, if that means giving me his wife for a while, I will take one for the team.

The last guy has always been the toughest. We are the closest in the group and the most brutally honest with each other. We also had the famous, “Please tell me if you don’t like who I am dating” conversation, but he still regularly goes against my recommendations. His love life is so eventful that he blogs about it everyday. Here is an excerpt:

“My date with the homeless girl went well, except for the fact she was so needy! Anyway, after letting her super size her Happy Meal, we took a romantic stroll down the river to her box. She wanted me to come in for a cup of tepid rain water, but I politely declined…Honestly, I was just afraid to drink out of the rusted green beans can.”

I told him the only upside to dating a homeless girl would be the fact he could drop her off anywhere, but he should not date this woman. One of our biggest fights circled around a girl he dated who had a lazy eye because I knew she was seeing somebody on the side.

I also know from personal experience that women have the same pact. When I was dating my wife, her friends were always trying to “protect her” from me. I never understood them, though, because they always sent mixed signals. One day I would wake up with my house on fire and the words, “Leave her alone!” etched into the sidewalk, but the next day they would bring me tart-yellow snow cones and I figured they were starting to like me.

Fortunately for me, my wife ignored their warnings that I was chauvinistic and over-bearing. She realized it was all untrue; I got the girl, and we have been very happy for almost eight years.

I guess in the end, it’s really not my job to judge. Like all true friends, I ultimately just want them to be happy and for them to want the same for me. It doesn’t matter if their relationships are successful or if they are happy with their choices, because no matter what the outcome, we will always be friends, and I’ll be there to support them just like they support me.

About the writer:

Matt Villanueva is junior advertising major. He can be reached at [email protected]