Ask Nell in Spain

I’ve heard several times throughout the past year that sure, guys read my column but sometimes they have to do it in secret. They may not always admit to it but it’s comforting to know that they are learning (hopefully) at least some insight on women. Bits and pieces of advice about women and their psyches come here and there but I’ve decided to lay out for everyone (after lots of research and consultations with my sexperts) what women really want.

Since women can be hard to explain in general, I tried to figure out how to reach men with something they already understand well. Since I love cars and racing, I’ve decided that men can learn a great deal about women from cars. If you have trouble keeping up, just skim to the car names.

Women are a lot like cars and if men would treat a woman as they would a 450 horsepower Maserati, all of that Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars crap would seem like a joke. There are a certain group of things that all women want, even need, from guys. Outside of the bedroom, they want men who will respect them, make them feel special (some through words, some through gifts) be punctual, be socially capable and listen (or at least do a good job pretending to) to them. Women do not want men who tell unfunny jokes, who get jealous easily, are attached to the countertops in their bathrooms, men who don’t pay attention to them when they need it and last but not least, men who cheat. Sure the ideas are broad, but they are easy to break down.

Any girl’s dream guy would: be interested in what she does (party, school, hobbies, etc.), tell her how great she is, give her things occasionally to know you care, try not to be late, don’t get too sloppy drunk and imitate Austin Powers and lend a shoulder to cry on and actually care about what is wrong. In this respect, women are exactly like cars.

If you have an amazing car, let’s say a Ferrari 456M GT, you want to respect it, pay attention to it, maintain it and treat it as if it were the most important thing in your life. You would never let your car sit around lonely, dirty and in need of some driving time. Treat your women as you would your dream car and you will find yourself to be the new Ladies Man. If this sounds like too much, you may not want to hear what women really want inside the bedroom.

And now to the part that most guys have undoubtedly skimmed down to. When looking for a lover (or a fling, booty call, etc.) women really want a guy who knows what he is doing.

It wasn’t until a night out a few weeks ago with some girlfriends that I realized how much women complain about men’s lack of skills in bed. Not to say that all men are like this but learning how to please a woman is a must. Forget everything you’ve learned in sex ed. (or late night Skinemax.) To really appreciate a Lamborghini Diablo, you have feel it out and learn how to drive it at peak performance level. Women are a lot like driving a race car. As opposed to men, who are more like an automatic car (just put the keys in and put the car in drive,) women have several speed engines (5 and 6 are not uncommon.) Guys have to learn how to warm up the car (a whole article in itself) and start it (brake, clutch, gas, shift) and know when to change gears. Any mistake will stall out the car. Difficult, sure, but don’t even try and tell me that driving an automatic Tahoe even compares to a 1996 Viper Indy 500: harder to drive but way more satisfying … How do you learn? Through practice, of course. And if you want to win the Indy 500, you need to go straight to the source.

Don’t be afraid to ask other drivers what works and what doesn’t. Amazing cars are more than just machines. You and the car have to be able to feel the road all the same and be attentive to each other. Don’t be shy, just ask a girl what and how she wants something. A McLaren F1 LM is different than a Porsche 911 GT3 RS but they’re still all just cars.

Take a deep breath, warm up the car, and make it a great experience. Just remember that there’s only so many times you can stall out a great car before it stops responding to you …

Men can say women are too complicated and women can say that men are too simple. Just remember, you can spend your whole life driving a minivan or you can stop whining, be open to learning a few things and get on the road.