Fell broke

It appears to me, little ones, as I willingly leave the safety of Earth to fly cross country in a hunk of molded steel, that things seem to be crashing too often these days.

The stock market is the obvious one. Blame it on whatever you want: sleazy CEOs, terrorism, Greenspan hiccuping; we have economic problems. Some 70 years ago, majority stockholders in companies that went belly up jumped from widows to their deaths. That was the depression. Now, CEOs slip out the side door just before stocks plummet. That is depressing.

Why doesn’t this sniper fellow off these scum mongrels, rather than children? This lunatic, friends, will be our generation’s Son of Sam and Richard Ramirez. At least he could be on a Tora Bora hill.

Speaking of hills, our popular people in fancy clothes, the house of representatives, and our more popular people in fancier clothes who know more rich people, the senate, just voted to let our shoot-from-the-hip president, pursed lips and all, use force against Iraq. Won’t the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution be happy to have a friend? Suffice it to say, it isn’t the best time to be a graduating 22-year-old unmarried male. I’m not saying there will be a draft, but if we go galloping into the middle-est without the support of the rest of the planet, many an Arab country will be peeved, to say the least. Look: Saddam is an egomaniac who loves all the rifle-shots-into-the-air bravado. While he is a menacing tyrant, he is not dumb enough to actually do anything that would move the world to condone our use of force.

What George needs to understand is that while he has the option of using force, it is not required. I find it humorous that Fear Factor and The Drew Carey Show aired while our president addressed the nation; the shows won the ratings. I know Saddam tried to kill Bush’s daddy and all, but the SMU financial office is attempting similar maneuvers against my pops, and you don’t see me emptying my arsenal.

A touch of irony, then. Years ago, police arrested George W. Bush for driving under the influence. Isn’t it interesting that one cannot become an officer of our military with a similar conviction? Not only is Bush an officer, he is the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. This man received less votes than Al Gore, perhaps the most boring political candidate ever. I can just see Dubya moseying around the oval office, chanting, “Let’s kick the tires and light the fires.”

And that, folks, pretty much makes everything. Our finances are screwed, a sniper is hunting us, our president is a cowboy, and Caroline Rhea has her own show.

We’ve officially hit rock bottom, and that is not a fun thing to say from 30,000 feet.