All around me girls are getting tan and boys are buffing up, which can only mean one thing: swimsuit season is almost here. Let me take this opportunity to do the entire SMU community a favor and explain what not to wear for all body types, because I am sick of girls trying to pass off smiley-face stickers as swimsuits.

We have all seen those summer make-over shows that teach you what to wear, but they all have the five kinds of body types in common:

1. “I look like a little boy” (skinny-petite): Halter-tops are your friend, especially plunging necklines. The low necklines make boobs appear out of nowhere. Girly colors, ties and prints make you look less like a football player.

2.”I’m wearing Spanx under my muumuu” (full-figured): Look for swimsuits with high spandex content; they are great for reducing the appearance of cellulite. One-pieces are not your only option; cute tankinis aren’t clingy and come in fun cuts and prints. Dark colors are your best friend, and you can always wear bright accessories. Lastly, prints can either work for or against you. The smaller the print the better-you don’t want to look like a couch.

3. “I’m not pear shaped, but my butt is” (pear shaped): Bikinis are fun, but you must learn to mix and match. Your top should be brighter than your bottom, and if the top is more “eye-catching” then people are less likely to be “lookin’ at [your] bump.” Another key to solving the posterior problem is to make sure that your bottom is squarely on your hips and fits properly; if it does not cover down to the crease then it does not fit.

4. “AA is not just a battery” (flat chested): Learn to love bright colors because objects may be smaller than they appear. As with the boy-shaped body, halters help create the illusion of breasts where there may be none. If all else fails, there are plenty of swimsuits that have ample amounts of padding.

5.”I watch too much Nip/Tuck” (large bust): You need an underwire; if they hang past your tummy you might as well wear a one-piece. Lycra helps tighten and hold things up where they belong. String bikinis won’t cut it for you, so stop trying. Just make sure to have the correct amount of coverage, and make an effort to wear darker colors on the bust.

As for the boys, all body types have the same problems, so I will only address them once. Girls-this is the part of my column you need to cut out for your boyfriends. Do not wear Speedos, hot pants, or shorts that come half way down your shins: you look stupid. No one wants to see your nasty crack, so stop showing it to us.

And for goodness’ sake, if you look like Robin Williams, get a wax! We don’t think you’re rugged, just that you might be some sort of monkey. Clingy swimsuits tell everyone just how much of a man you are not. You should wear swim trunks that fit on (not under) your hips and cover between half your thigh to your knees, any longer or shorter will just make you look like you are wearing someone else’s bathing suit. Wear ample amounts of sunscreen, because men are more likely to sunburn than women, and no one finds tomatoes attractive.

Let me leave you with some final words: Learn what body type you are and embrace it. The sooner you come to terms with yourself, the sooner someone else will want to come to terms with you. And I don’t care who you are or what kind of “bangin'” body you have, don’t wear an itsy-bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot (string) bikini, no matter what some yogurt commercial says. I mean really, are you going to trust something that owes its consistancy to bacteria-ridden milk?

So the next time a surfer-dude beach bum comes up to you and tells you that you look hot in your swim suit, you can proudly say, “I know, right?” before laughing in his face.