Throughout the history of our culture, this debate has been ongoing, with each side completely convinced of the inherent superiority of its own position and entirely unwilling to back down.

I am, of course, referring to the classic conundrum: “Who would win, pirates or ninjas?”

In preparation for this article, I spoke to a number of people (like four), and they all seem to be on the side of ninjas. I, on the other hand, know the truth. It’s a little known fact that there has never been a successful assassination committed by a ninja since their conception way back in the… olden days (or whatever you call them) of Japan. So apparently, ninjas – whose entire purpose in life is to kill people – are really bad at their job.

Pirates, on the other hand, have a very successful track record of killing, pillaging and razing to the ground pretty much anything that stands in their way. They have taken on entire armadas composed of trained soldiers and laughed it off whilst drowning the pain of their stab wounds in rum and pirate hookers. It would seem that in a confrontation between the two, pirates would obviously emerge victorious.

“But surely if it was as easy as all that, there would be no debate!” you cry, and you are right. All we really know is that there has never been a successful documented case of a ninja assassination. If there were ninjas who could do their job and do it well (i.e., kill someone completely undetected), then we probably wouldn’t know that the victim died via ninja.

At the same time, however, there is no way to know that this is true, either. We are therefore at a crossroads, a choice to believe either that ninjas have always been the ultimate hit men who operate in shadow, or that historical records speak louder than faith and ninjas suck.

So here we come to the true nature of the great debate. If you choose to believe that if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist, then you may be obligated to side with pirates, whose documented (not to mention horrific) exploits leave little doubt in the minds of anyone as to their capabilities. If, on the other hand, you choose to believe that which cannot be proved might still be possible, then you may be more likely to side with the ninjas, whose idealized position in the annals of pop culture may or may not have a basis in fact.

So the next time someone asks you, “Pirates or ninjas?” realize that what they’re really asking you is, What kind of person are you? Are you an idealist, an optimist who’s more likely to see what can be rather than what is? Or are you a realist, a cynic who sidesteps faith and concentrates on facts and on what can be proved with them?

So, with all that in mind, the next logical step is for me to ask you, dear reader: pirates or ninjas?

Trey Treviño is a sophomore CTV major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].