I have determined that the direction of our societal progression has doomed the human race. Social Darwinism has crept its judgmental selecting hand into bars and nightclubs around the world.
The fate of mankind has come to rely on the success or failure of one thing: the pick-up line.
I was in class the other day and for some unknown reason I happened to arrive early. As I was surfing the realm of Facebook killing time (and borderline stalk), I happened to overhear the engaging conversation of the three girls sitting in front of me.
They were complaining about their experiences of the previous weekend in which guys – surprise! – attempted to talk to them in a social bar scene. Their qualms were with the pick up lines these gentlemen chose to use on them.
Their conversation went something as follows: “This guy was so lame! He tried to pull the ‘If you have a second, I’d love to make you smile.’ I mean, did he think that would work?” This was immediately met with “Oh my gawds,” and “Are you seriouses?”
The ladies continued to discuss other encounters of the night and proceeded to laugh. I felt bad for the guys.
I recently had the pleasure of witnessing one such encounter personally. I was at Kona Grill with friends when I looked over to the bar and saw the action. Sitting there was a semi-attractive woman soaking up the undivided attention of five guys.
It was almost painful to watch this woman toy with these guys, milk them for free drinks and then, as if on schedule, start dismissing them one by one, most likely in a manner similar to her method of selecting her shoes for the night. The guys just stood looking awkward and making forced small talk with the competition while waiting for their chance to “make their move.”
I witnessed similar happenings in the animal kingdom as well. Recently I made a trip to the Dallas World Aquarium where I made acquaintance with some of nature’s finest creatures. The poor males did not fare much better than our friends at Kona.
I saw the majestic manatee pulling every move he could think of to impress his lady friend: flips, rolls and anything he could imagine to attract the manatee hottie. No such luck as his lady counterpart floated aimlessly, most likely looking forward to telling her other manatee girlfriends about the lame pick up lines. “Flips? Really?”
I myself recall the early days of my lady-wooing life when I would rehearse in my head for hours what I would say to ask a girl out on a date. Being the smooth guy I am I always nailed it with a solid “uuughh” and other random grunts.
My point is that ladies have a strange power over men, and I call on you to use it for the forces of good. The next time a guy uses some pick-up line to try and impress you, cut the guy some slack. He just wants to try and get to know you better, but more likely, do his evolutionary duty and mate with you. He is only trying to save the human race.
– John Coleman
Associate News Editor
