Ask Nell
Q: Dear Nell,
I hang out with this girl all the time and don’t know whatto do! The chemistry is all there and she doesn’t seem to beseeing anyone else, but when I try and talk to her about us”dating” or being “more serious,” shethinks I’m kidding. Is she playing hard to get or what?
– Played
A: Dear Played,
Dating and games go hand-in-hand in college. I think yourproblem, however, is about level of commitment and getting twopeople’s desires to coincide.
There are very specific levels of relationships between people,and there is a huge difference between each level. Forexample, you are at the “hanging out” level but want tobe at the “casually dating” level. This would involveyou guys not seeing anyone else and having some sort of acommitment to spend time together.
This is a tricky situation because having to do something isdifferent than doing it because you want to, not because you haveto. Prime example: school. Say you want to take an art classfor fun. If you really do take it for fun (i.e. no grades, nomandatory attendance), you will feel as if you have control over itand will take comfort in going to your little art class. Onceyou know you have to be there, it becomes more of a job orresponsibility. This girl may like to hang out with you butmay feel suffocated once she knows she has to.
This leads me to my next point: She may not be ready to have theresponsibility of dating someone. Making a commitment has to be amutual thing, and if one person doesn’t want what the otherdoes, things go awry. You have two options. You can deal withthings the way they are or, if you are an “all ornothing” person, give her an ultimatum. I understand yoursituation is very confusing, but remember, if she doesn’twant a commitment, your time may be better spent with someone whodoes.
Q: Dear Nell,
I’ve been told by a lot of guys that I come on too strongand actually scare guys away. I don’t consider myself roughor manly, more of an “engaging” person. Is beingoutgoing really a turn off to guys?
– Confused
A: Dear Confused,
Well, to answer your question I went straight to thesource: men. Most guys asked, “What do you mean by‘too strong’ … like putting you in a headlock ata bar or just aggressive in picking you up?” What Idetermined from collecting some input is that guys do not likewomen, called “manly girls,” who seem too much likethem or their friends (which includes being very physicallyaggressive or enjoying their lack of body function control).
There is a fine line to this, though, because I know severalguys who like “guy’s girls” and are actuallyturned on by women who don’t mind getting messy, and likevideo games, guns and other typically male things. I know acouple in which the girl is a fanatic Broncos fan while herboyfriend has profoundly less interest in football. He thinksit’s really sexy that she gets all riled up during games andlikes the fact that she has interests of her own.
How much is too much? That’s tough. Voice your concerns toyour friends and ask them to tell you if you ever come off”too strong” to a guy when you do, so you can figureout what you’re doing wrong.
Short of the fine line between a “guy’sgirl” and a “manly girl,” most of the guys Italked to like a girl who knows what she wants and has strongopinions. They also want girls who make up their own minds anddon’t rely on other people to tell them what to do. Andsurprise, surprise — guys even like it when girls takecontrol in the bedroom (which would be a whole other column).
Ultimately, you have to ask yourself, do you really care? Themost important lesson I’ve learned in the last year is thatbeing yourself is the most valuable asset you have, and if somebodydoesn’t like you for who you are, then screw ‘em… metaphorically, of course.
